A sample from Book 12
I want to cry
in this aging bit of life
what to fight
he comes into my sight
deep in my thoughts
I get lost...caught
then he kneels before me
‒my world gets lost
in his sea
cradling me in his arms
all that fight...gone
aren't you tired of this yet
his question without hiss
we both knowing
we keep rocking a boat
that just needs
my response in insist
over and over...rowing
this knotting rope
feeling it all melt away
with soft words‒
he has to say
as he pulls me
in his sway
I want this‒
not just for today
but every day, in every way
I know the truth‒
when I look into his face
love...in every line
as his black hair
fades to gray
by his side
I feel everything safe
when he leaves the room
behind...closes the door
I'm left with my thoughts
in my core
yes, I'm tired of this
love is far more perfect
surrounded by his softness
then sitting in a room
lost in miss
trying to forget
(January 4, 2018)—It’s taken me a while to gather my thoughts with this piece. ‘His Softness’ was the very last piece I wrote for 2018.‘His Softness’…the sweet man. I’ve written about him since 2012 when we first met as friends. I wrote about him as my lover. I wrote about him as my enemy. I wrote about him as my best friend. There’s a lot I didn’t write about.
At some time in a relationship, you get to this no one needs to know deal. He used to tell me if I put too much out there, then people will start interfering and causing mess. That was long after the stalker and all her mess left the building. Since then, I haven’t had one person try and cause mess for me because I write about what I write about. So, whatever mess my writing may be causing, it doesn’t concern me.
‘His Softness’…this past year has been about a lot of things. There was a lot of hurt involved coming from all angles of my life. I have zero regrets because I know that none of the hurt concerns me and my way into heaven. Some people may say different, but they are the ones who can’t look at themselves in the mirror.
This year, I’ve looked long and hard at myself in the mirror. All the crap I had to face the past seven years…was caused by someone else messing up my plans. Isn’t that something! I didn’t have a backup plan. Who the hell does that anyway?! I believed in the process. Totally. Well, the process got fucked up by someone else’s fowl thinking.So…I wrote it all down. Someone had to. Someone had to share this muck with others, so they’ll know what exactly is going down when hell breaks loose and all seems like it’s the end of the world!Hell, no one could tell me!
Well, I’m telling you what the hell is fucking going on in all that muck! Someone else’s fowl interest. Someone else’s fowl thinking. Someone else going with the evil whore the devil instead of listening to the Lord. Someone else having secrets. Someone else lusting after their secret desires. It has not a damn thing to do with you! But they will put it all on you! They will even stoop low enough to lie to your own children, to their mom, to your mom, to everyone. All to hide what they did!
You just have to fucking survive it!Hence, the sweet man. Oh, sure he put me through some things…but he pulled me out of some things as well. Maybe, some how it all irons itself out…it all evens out. I’m not sure. What I am sure about: He’s here. I’m here. And he’s affected me in such a way that I don’t want to talk about the bad. [This changed a whole lot in 2019 when I caught him in a lie and he bucked instead of facing the music.] He inspires me to write about the good, the hope, the light, the love, the forgiveness. He does that.
Does he believe in me? Probably…probably not. He’s deleted me from all social media. He gets mad at me quick. I know that how he felt about me even a year ago isn’t there anymore. It’s like we are at the end, but don’t want it to be. I feel it. Only sometimes. Other times…I fuss myself for ever feeling that. Love is like that.
The depression this year and the year before stole my looks. Really. My face is not as happy and I can’t seem to change that. My body is not as strong. At all. I can’t compete with other bodies. Loose women who would throw their bodies at just anyone, who don’t care if they are married, dating or whatever. I’m not that kind of woman.
(The bargaining stage is a different story…I hope to never go through that again.)
When I’m in love, I don’t want anyone else. I actually feel hate, at times, towards myself because I’m this way. I actually feel people want to betray me because I’m so this way. Let them. I’ll walk away with ease now. I don’t care anymore. I really don’t. Sure it’ll hurt…but I just don’t care. I know the truth. It’s about how you live your life that God will judge us. I really don’t care if you believe that or not. I really don’t. I believe it. That is all that matters to me.
When there are too many conditions, there’s no love, just comfort, just that I’m used to you sort of thing. You can’t love through all those conditions. No one can. So, it’s either sit around and wait for something to grow back from the dead or you face it and move on and hope that there’s someone out there who can love you without all the conditions.
I’m 50 years old now. I’m never going to be out there on the net like I was in my mid-40s. Never. I don’t want to. I’m not going to use my body to get a man ever again. I’m not going to use charm or money or dumbness…none of those things are worth a man. That’s how I see life now. Is that hard? Maybe, to you. Life is way too short to struggle with emotions that don’t lift you.
I love the sweet man. That’s not in doubt. Will we make it to that forever? Time…only time will tell. He has been my rock and it is fitting that I end this year with a piece for him…and it’s not my love in question. He told me this year that I broke him. I prayed so hard that that wouldn’t happen. I had to get through my shit.
I know what kind of woman he desires. I know his love. It is hard to know him because I have so many other things that get in my way that I can’t control…so I forget things. It is really hard to learn another human being in just two, three years. I believe it takes a good 20 years to get to know another human being. We don’t have that. We have the end of what others left behind.It takes patience, perseverance, prevail…the three P’s to make it in this world after hard.
It takes someone willing to go the distance for you to get you through that hard. You can only hope that when you reach the other side of healing and there’s someone who helped pull you through that their love remains in tack. You can only hope. Like the sweet man always tells me―All we can do is try.He doesn’t want me to write about him. I failed in that capacity. He has inspired so much in me. He has made…made…me look in that damn mirror. I didn’t always like what I saw.
Have I affected him in the same way? I don’t know. Every step forward…I push two steps backwards. Maybe one day he will reveal to me the answer to that question. Maybe. What I do know is how he has affected me. In every book since 2012 except for the Books 2, 3, and 4 he has made a dramatic appearance. I have even dedicated a book to him. This part he doesn’t fully understand.
Like the others in my life, he is a bit afraid of what I have written. Maybe, one day he’ll read these books. That day…days…he will fully understand the impact he’s had on my healing. I know those who are regular readers of me think different things about the sweet man because of the fights we’ve had. Looking back, I want to doubt things, but I sincerely can’t because if he hadn’t stood his ground, I would never have been able to finish this project.
He pulled everything out of me…good and bad…which enabled me to search my own self, which enabled me to write directly from my heart everything which clouds a woman’s judgment…her thinking. The sweet man is complicated at best, but he forced me to find Jesus in a way I never knew possible. I argued with him so many times that I knew who Jesus was. That was true. I knew all along who He was. I just didn’t know Him! There’s a big difference.
While reading me, you may get discouraged because I focus so much on the Bible. Know this: The answer to healing is there within those pages.If you have a hard time focusing on that, just maybe this is why it was put in my heart to write how to survive pain in the form of the greatest language on earth: Poetry. None of those pieces would be written had it not been for pain…for God pulling me out of that pain…for God directing my path to the sweet man.
I have almost 4,000 pieces of poetry written. I’ve decided to wait on publishing this final book until I’ve reached that number 4,000. I feel there’s a few more things to say, then I’ll write my conclusion to all of these words.
Getting through the pain of loss is not easy. I wrote through it. I struggled a lot. I went back around many times.We do what we have to do to survive what we didn’t plan on happening to us.My work is there to help you with the process.
Relationships are hard. There’s no getting around that statement. Love is easy. Unconditional love is the hard part. We all have our ways…we piss people off. We don’t intend to. It’s just the way of our character. When you have that one person who understands you, who truly knows the depths of you, well…that’s pretty awesome. It’s a lot of give and take…I know you’ve heard that so many damn times. Yes, you have. It is truth.
We have our good days. We have our bad days. It’s the one who, even though your bad day causes an argument or a fight, forgives you and loves you still, deserves to walk this walk with you. Did I find true love? That’s a really good question. This writing was written on two separate evenings. I’ve had time to really think about that question.
I know this much: When I’m laying around in bed fiddling with my phone or watching a movie or just laying there, and he’s laying beside me, he reaches his arm towards me and touches me ever so gently, and I feel peace. I feel his whole being and I feel safe. I know every day he is here. I know if we are apart, he texts me to see if I’m okay and I do the same. I know through all the hard, we are finally putting respect into place. I know that what’s been done can’t be undone, but the try is still there and there’s no one else I’d rather try with than him.
What about him? He’s still here. His stay is enough.
My work is about life. It is about falling and getting back up and falling again and getting back up again. It’s about the struggles, the wins. It’s about having faith that God will see us through.I’m smiling. God. He is great all the time.My work is about love. It is about finding your heart again after it’s been crushed. It’s about the struggle of re-finding self, and what exactly that means.
Life is hard. Losing the ability to love is the scariest feeling ever. There’s such an emptiness that replaces love when that happens.
The whole process of healing is rediscovering that your heart can feel love again.This…the most important part of my journey…has been the greatest gift to me. I give credit first to God, then to the sweet man.Being able to love again, I can’t even tell you how wonderful that is!
Keep going. The other side of healing will come. I can promise you that if you read these books and apply what was revealed to me…healing will come. That’s not a selling line. That’s from way down deep in my heart.I put it all on the line for you…so that you may rediscover your own self and feel love again.Love the skin you are in. You are that important!
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Additional Readings On Improving Self and Going After That Dream
(Each page has loads of additional books (in every format), videos, instruction materials, and inspiration gift ideas.):
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle
A Woman of Substance by Barbara Taylor-Bradford
Become a Better You: 7 Keys to Improving Your Life Every Day by Joel Osteen
Beloved by Toni Morrison
Fearless by Max Lucado
Fifty Shades of Grey by E. J. James
How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life by Susan Piver
How Successful People Win by Ben Stein
How To See Yourself As You Really Are by The Dalai Lama
Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg
Love is Letting Go of Fear by Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D.
Ship of Gold in the Deep Blue Sea by Gary Kinder
Shop Class as Soulcraft: An Inquiry into the Value of Work by Matthew B. Crawford
The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich by Timothy Ferriss
The Third Wave: An Entrepreneur’s Vision of the Future by Steve Case
Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson, M. D.