‘Anger’s Infest’

 Anger's Infest
  
 feel it beneath your skin
 evil's way of getting within
 actions in horror's den
 ‒ways of evil's perfect sin
  
 it'll trap you in cussing
 it'll condemn you in swearing
 pulling at you...probing
 wanting your reaction
 for it's only satisfaction
  
 it'll take all
of your triggering notions
 you...down...dragging
 as it smiles
in sadistic laughing
 craving your giving in
 your fight...it's welcoming
 celebrating
your mind's condemn
  
 anger...evil's infested gem
 words, actions
its consistency in playing
 wanting you
self to defend
 so it can celebrate
in its win
  
 feel it beneath your skin
 evil's way of getting within
 actions in horror's den
 ‒ways of evil's perfect sin

(April 15, 2019)―‘Anger’s Infest’…A lot of thoughts have been going through my mind lately. Back in October, during my intervention, I had this strong feeling put into my heart to apply for graduate school. It was so powerful that it actually made me happy. I bypassed it when the sweet man started texting me, then we started seeing each other again. Wrong move, or was it?

Call to Holiness―Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God―this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is―His good, pleasing and perfect will.―Romans 12:1,2

I think there was more for me to learn and see. Now the conviction of applying for graduate school has me feeling more of the professional…i.e. it feels almost like a settling-of-heart feeling…maybe, even perfect. So, I decided to make my move and put in my application. Part of the process is writing a critical paper. I haven’t written a critical paper since grad classes when I first start teaching. I was told I could use a paper I’ve already written, but it’s been a long time and I’ve upgraded my computer several times and I can’t find any of them to save my life!

For days now, I’m thinking of giving up, not wanting to put in the effort. I searched my old emails because I remember some time between 2012 and 2014, I sent one of my most in-debt papers, written for two grad classes in psychology on ADHD, to someone who had an ADHD child. During my search, I saw all the guys I emailed and texted during my bargaining stage (back in 2013 when you could send text through email (I don’t know if you can still do that)), as well as, all the job applications I sent out. I went all the way back to 2013. It made me see that God moved things for me, but not before I put in the work…showing Him I’m willing to work for what He had in store for me.

The message was clear: I have to write another paper. Topics have been swarming in my mind. I have to do research, dig out my MLA book (I’m sure I have it here), find examples of critical papers to see if anything has changed with the writing process (which I ‘m sure it has), see if I can use the university library here, read ( a lot), then narrow it all down to a topic worth writing about. I know me…I’m still smoking, so there’s going to be lot of smoking, a lot of fatigue, a lot of alone time.

It seems in the past 10-15 years, there’s always been a lot of alone time in order to do my work. Teaching is a lot of alone time, so is writing. I’m so tired of alone time. But…in my line of work…it is so required. So, when I can watch a movie, enjoy some noise time, I really dig into it.

Nights here are my noise time because my ex-boyfriend (sweet man), now just roommate, works nights. So, the past few nights I’ve been watching some really good movies. Night before last it was If Only I Could Imagine followed by Top Gun. Last night I wanted to dig into some documentaries. I picked one about the Revelations. He was here, so I turned the volume down from high, set the night before, and I really was going to lower it more, but I got caught up in what the commentator was saying, and I’m 50, so my hearing isn’t the way it used to be. I didn’t have the sound LOUD, but it wasn’t extremely low. The roommate…i.e. sweet man…came out and very negatively and rudely told me to lower it. This really got under my skin because I’m very quite during the day when he sleeps…that’s respect. But at nights when he works, it’s my time to watch something and actually hear it. But I was going to lower it more…he just decided he wanted to pick a fight. Adding to the strife that had already started earlier.

His attitude twisted my mood. I said a few choice things to him, but not bad for I was really interested in what this commentator guy was saying. He went into his room and left a crack in the door, then burst back into the living room and yanked the plug out of the wall and took the TV in his room. How do you respond to such behavior? Night time is my time to enjoy a movie where I can hear it, and play my music, talk to myself, etc. Just because he decides to take the night off, doesn’t mean I have to changed my routine. That evil whore the devil activated my anger.

I got irate and talked loud for quite a bit of time. I’ve done this before. I did this earlier in the day. Lies, manipulation tends to activate my viciousness! I then turned to my computer and commenced to watching something else, but I really needed to have a talk with God. So, I shut everything down and went into my room, laid in bed and had a one-on-one with my Father. He knows I’m a stubborn child and a hard-headed one and a loud one at times. Last night was a loud one. I think it was the first time I ever had a conversation with the Lord in that tone of voice. I guess that’s why I was led to Romans this morning. Oh, God does have His ways.

Part of my discussion with the Lord was the fact that some people are so much of the world that they don’t even know Scripture, yet they like to say, ‘You need to be saved.’ Money is of the world. Maybe, some people think that those who get a disability check or retirement check are lucky! I’ve actually heard this before. NO! We aren’t lucky. The ignorance astounds me sometimes. Who the hell WANTS to be disabled!?

For me, I’m not disabled through the regular government as in social security. I’m disabled through the military (i.e. VA). I didn’t ask for this. For me, I was divorced with no job, so I went in the VA to get medical until I could get medical insurance. They pushed me to file for disability. I did. I got 40%. Then they pushed me to file another. Six months later I was 100% T/P. I wasn’t lucky! That rating…100% T/P means my conditions will NEVER get better! That’s NOT good news. And I had to learn to deal with that fact. Everyone in my life…can’t. In fact, I’ve been accused of FAKING my disability. HOW? I often ask.

In this big city of Las Vegas, I can’t go out there by myself. I easily get fluster when around unfamiliar things or where there’s a lot of people or when I’m stressed, and sometimes that leads to confusion where I forget things and not recognize things around me. It’s not a weakness. It’s part of my disability that I wish I didn’t have. So, if I can’t get someone to go places with me, I’m stuck at home. Sure, I go to doctor’s appointments and such alone. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about going where there’s a lot of people, noise, and such. The sweet man never understood this. He kept telling me to go out by myself. Crazy! Especially for someone who supposedly knows me.

So, when he did his sad act of taking the TV out the room, my anger fought back. I hate that. It says in the Bible that if you drive another person to sin, you are guilty as well. I try my best not to drive anyone to sin. Sometimes, maybe, I don’t act fast enough for people and it drives them to anger. I feel guilty about that, but I shouldn’t. Just because they are impatient doesn’t mean I have to rush. I haven’t been able to get this in my skull long enough to actually practice it. In fact, for years, my impatience drove other’s impatience. So, in finally saying, ‘Hey, my life doesn’t revolve around yours. I have a life, too,’ then acting on it, doesn’t sit well with people who demand that everyone’s life revolve around them. The typical narcissist.

All of this got me thinking hard about why am I still living here. I still have something to do here. I still have something to learn here. That’s the message I keep getting. I think it’s bullshit when people call that kind of thing crazy. If you are open to the Lord, He does talk to you. He warns you. He sends messages to you for you personally or for you to give to others. He sends His praises to you, His grace when you adhere to the messages by following them or delivering them. I’ve experienced enough of this kind of thing in my life to know the truth in that. Hence, the following verse.

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.―Romans 12:3-8

I was told a number of times in the last six years to go to graduate school. No…longer…since 1997! In the last six years, I started the process by communicating with several schools, even had professors send their letters, then I stopped the process. Every time, something got in the way. If I’d listened, I’d have my PhD by now, living a peaceful, challenging life, instead of messing around with narcissist personalities. Then, God says, ‘No, Karen, you had to learn!’ That’s what I get.

It’s not about judging. It’s about healing. That’s truly the message God wants me to learn. I see this because the next verses in my Bible that followed the two above are about LOVE! All of these verses are heavily underlined in red and black ink. Love! Love is about understanding. It’s about healing. It’s about helping. I keep getting this. I know my gifts. I have one that’s on the spiritual side and I’ve come to recognize it, though it is very hard to accept. I push it away. I really don’t want it. When I see the importance of what I receive, I do act upon it. Always, it’s not met with acceptance. ‘You’re crazy’ is more of the reaction.

What I’m going through right now, I can’t talk about. I so want to. But I can’t. Maybe later….months, years…I will be able to, but through it, I’ve learned that evil doesn’t like God’s messages! That evil whore will fight you, criticize you, use everything it knows about you and throw it back in the most hateful ways. And it uses other people to do this as well as the mind, hence Romans 12:1,2. The mind is so very important.

I recognized this yesterday during argument with the sweet man. I recognized the devil’s tricks. This was my discussion with the Lord last night. Getting HOT for the Lord seems to open up so many things. I’ve written in my books, especially Book 5, experiences I’ve had that are so freaking spiritual. There is no denying the spiritual rem. It exist. God gives us these gifts for a reason. You can deny them or accept them. I’ve denied them for years. Now…I listen!

This topic of messages, and the spiritual rem is for a different post. I brought it up here because once we pray, i.e. talk to the Lord, He does give us back answers. It’s a little complicated to understand if you’re not hot for the Lord or you don’t even believe in Jesus. It’s true all the same. Just know this: That immediate feeling you have…that’s from the Lord. Don’t think (i.e. doubt)…just do.

Lately, I have been wanting to write. I have written a number of pieces, typed them in, even wrote commentary, but the need to post them hasn’t been strong. I just have been posting small things on my Facebook personal and author page just to stay present. Here on my website, there’s been a wait feeling. Maybe, it’s been because setting up this page took a lot of postings and I swamped social media with back to back postings. So, I waited.

This morning, write, was my calling. But not only that. I got on another dating site. I have been chatting with a number of guys and even had a date set up for today. Wrong move. I was given the message to delete the profile and don’t go on the date. It’s not time. Not here. So, I deleted it. I’m a bit disappointed because I met some really handsome guys who want to see me. I always feel like I’m running out of time when it comes to meeting someone who really wants to be with me. But…it’s the second time I get that not here. The first time was from another spiritual rem type of person. My heart beats louder…I really want to enjoy life for a change.

I get discouraged. I know you do, too. I wrote a post on my Facebook page, which I will share on here, (I’m used to going straight to my Facebook wall when I’m on my phone…habits are hard to break.), about people who criticize those who live outside the box. I actually write about this a lot in my books. That’s God by the way. Those who do something different are doing what God is giving us to do. We aren’t smarter than anyone else. We are just given different gifts, i.e Romans 12:3-8. Those who go against our gifts are the ones that evil whore is using to go against what God wants! It is that simple.

Do what is put in your heart. If anger comes in concerning another person, a thing, or whatever, know that that is the evil whore using that person or thing to make you fall to anger…it’s most precious emotion! It wants you angry. It wants your hate. It wants your reaction. Remember: It’s here to steal, destroy and kill! It is nothing GOOD! So, when that person you love, or did love, or live with, or whatever is always criticizing you, dissing you, downgrading you, yelling at you, cussing you, doing whatever they can to make you feel bad about yourself….that is that evil whore using that person to try and destroy what God is doing through you!

How is that evil whore using that other person? Why am I blaming the devil instead of that person? Is this an excuse? That person is not strong in Jesus. That evil whore knows this. You can feel when that evil whore is in the mix. I know it. My heart beats hard, my brain fights the thoughts it tries to put into my head, anguish is all around. It’s terrible. It’s a horrible feeling.

If you are doing the Lord’s work (i.e. your calling), that evilness comes in hard. It tries to take everything good from you. That narcissist in your life, that’s the weak link. They have the hardest fight, so they give up. Everything that they fight comes to us. We just have to remember that that evil whore is using their weakness to try and destroy us. We have…HAVE…to use the Lord in every way possible.

This feeling to go to Grad school feels right. The nervousness and the fear is not of God. The excitement is. I took the next step, the step I never actually took except for one time, back in 1997 before I graduated from college, I sent in my application and fees. I was accepted, but I turned it down because the ex asked me to. I see now the why behind this move. There was things I had to learn and see. Now, I’m terrified in a way because I’m older, I have disabilities and the challenge to write a critical paper is scary. I can describe it as someone going to sky dive for the first time! That’s how nervous I am. I guess because I haven’t done it in so long and I have to reteach myself how to do it.

As I mentioned above about looking through my emails, if you want something and pray for it, God will not deliver until we prove our worth, until we prove that what we pray for is exactly what we want. This isn’t a joke. Read My 12-Book Series. You will see this as it happens in my life more than a few times. I always received what I prayed for. Sometimes in the immediate (no joke), but most of the time, I had to put in my part before I received. This time, my part is the application process…writing the critical paper and my intent, getting three people to write letters discussing my abilities (I have no idea who), submitting my CV, which is basically like a resume, and submitting examples of my creative work (the easy part).

God has a way of changing our courses for a while for reasons we may be hurt over, but if we pay attention to the tests, we get to that full understanding of what we are supposed to learn. I’ve always said that we can fight God’s plan all we want, He eventually gets His way. We have to remember and understand that it’s for our better interest. We may not understand it. It’s really not for us to understand. All of God’s moves are to help our fellow man. That’s been my whole life.

I hate being alone. I keep saying that, so I’m always alone. Going back to school…changes that entirely. I’ve always loved academia. I’ve always loved teaching. I just couldn’t handle the discipline issues anymore in the high school environment. The university setting is different. So, God’s moving me again to that direction. My overall average in the GPA arena isn’t as high as it should be. I played around in the Army (didn’t take it that serious) when I took college courses and those all transferred. I also raised three babies, took care of the house, and worked during college here back in the states…so this makes what I submit for admissions very important because now a days, colleges are looking at what you can DO more than scores. That’s a good thing, but it does add a lot of pressure to the process!

Why am I sharing this? As always…no matter our age, our situation, our disabilities…‘where there’s a will, there’s a way!’ If it’s put into our hearts and we doubt it, we lose out on time and God’s grace. For me, in my experiences, this ‘go to grad school’ has been put into my heart so many times and I doubted it or just ignored it for a guy! Always for a guy! I learned a lot because of those moves, and I CAN say I’m an expert in my niche and my experiences in life has given me a full, FULL, file drawer of things to write about. As I always say, there’s a reason for everything!

I want you to know that in spite of where you are right now…the anger, the bargaining (your fun), the depression…you will get through it. This is difficult right now to listen to, if you even get it in your heart to get this far in reading this commentary…by reading my books, you can see where you are…they will help you get through them. Many people are stuck in that bargaining stage…I should say women. Like me, they get on dating sites, and there are many men out there seeking weak women to pounce. They study your face, your pictures, they look you up on Facebook and study your profile. They know what they are looking for: A woman stuck in the bargaining stage. They will pounce. Trust me. If you are not aware that you are stuck in the bargaining stage, you will give in.

As I write in “Anger’s Infest”…the anger stage builds you and sinks you, which leads you to the bargaining stage of the five stages of grief. And that anger, and it’s there deep inside festering, wants to keep you. You have to fight this. You can’t stay in the bargaining stage. It is not meant for you to stay there. I know it’s fun…it is…but it’s not meant for the stay. Those guys, narcissists, are looking for you. Trust me.

You are beautiful. Healing is important. We aren’t meant to stay in hurt. Those who take advantage of this hurt are indeed hurt themselves and stuck in their own bargaining stage. It’s easier to deny our pain than to deal with it. Trust me…I do know this. Dealing with our pain hurts. Our journey is meant to move forward. If things haven’t changed for you, you aren’t moving forward. Give in…listen to what God is saying to you.

I’m told over and over again…‘When it scares you to death, that’s the direction you should go.’ Keep moving forward. Do not hurt anyone in the process. God’s always watching. Make this life count. If you love, keep loving. Communicate. Don’t use anyone. You don’t have to be identical in thoughts, emotions, actions, not even cultures to have a relationship, and you don’t have to give up who you are to be in a relationship. Always remember that. Love yourself. Trust God’s plan. Amen.

Get My 12-Book Series, the whole lot or just the ones that fit your life right now. If you don’t know which book that is from the descriptions given, message me. I’ll be more than happy to help you. Thank you. k.e. leger