Tag: lonely

‘No Goodbye Kisses’

It’s Not Your Fault!

A sample from Book 6

 No Goodbye Kisses
  
 I walk around
this house
quiet as a mouse
 my steps slow
not sure
 in which room to go
 there's pain in every inch
 remembering
the pounding
of your fist
  
 I spoke my mind
 maybe a little too unkind
 your actions
way out of line
  
 hurt...anger grows
 not understanding
not knowing
 why you changed
why you don't see
 how you made
our life to be
  
 your continued rage
backed me into a cage
 I yelled for you to go
 each word
another silent blow
 denial and lies
I refused to cry
 stood my ground
 tired
of being treated
like a clown
  
 once more
you ignored
 as our child's eyes
grew wide
 you continued
your raging tide
 stand up for yourself
words I taught
 actions―
I couldn't put on a shelf
 your finger pointing
your hurt anointing
  
 I slapped your face
 hoping
it'll send you away
  
 instead
you pounced―
 off the cement
my head bounced
 slamming your steel toes
into my thigh
 my hands and elbow
razored with holes
 your continued blast
left me
in a frozen cast
  
 our son grabbed you
 against the truck
he threw
 my mother held me
 I don't remember
jumping to my feet
 I kicked you
 I wanted to hurt you
I wanted to maim you
 I wanted to kill you
  
 I walk around
this house
quiet as a mouse
 my steps slow
not sure
in which room to go
  
 three times
in all these years
 you crossed this line
bruises on my skin
 my walk full of fear
each time worse
 in between
silent torture
 not standing up for me
not even seeing me
  
 a continued
losing journey
 me
wanting a family
 you
becoming an enemy
 a stranger
breeding hate and anger
  
 I walk around
this house
quiet as a mouse
 my steps slow
 not sure
in which room to go
  
 feeling the pain
in every inch
 from the pounding
of your fist
  
 staying...I resist
 your actions
crossed the line
  
 no goodbye kisses
 just closing the door
 leaving it all behind
Continue reading “‘No Goodbye Kisses’”

‘Hold My Hand’

Men: Just Do It!

A sample from Book 5

 Hold My Hand
  
 when I'm lost
 ― confused
 wanting to give up
 will you hold my hand
  
when I doubt
want a way out
 will you stick around
  
 when I'm angry
 ―scream
call you names
 will you not place blame
  
 when I cry
lost in sadness
 will you change my mind
 to live and not die
  
 when I hate
my vision clouded
 will you be my guide
 tell me my life
is not a lie
  
 when I want to run
 leave all behind
draw a heavy line
 will you walk beside me
 ―hold my hand
take my feet
from the sand
 plant them
on solid ground
  
 when I'm alone
lost in darkness
 make you want to leave
will you forgive
 help my eyes to see
 everything
I want to be
  
 when I'm here
 cold...closed up inside
 will you stay
give me space
 help me see my way
  
 when I want
to give up
 will you stand by me
take my hand
 help me be free
help me to see
 what it takes
to be happy
  
Continue reading “‘Hold My Hand’”

‘A Woman’s Strength’

You Deserve Appreciation and Love!

A sample from Book 5

  A Woman's Strength
  
 did you think of me today
 no call came my way
 underneath my smile I sway
no words do I say
 I thought of you all day
 as I rushed through my filled plate
  
 early I started to bake
 not long the house was laced
 with the smell of your favorite
chocolate cake
  
 the kids were at play
 a new toy
one did break
 one became the prey
the other screamed hate
 peace...I had to make
clearing the haze
 putting smiles on their face
 anger left no trace
but it was too late
 the cake―
I had to throw away
  
 ring phone ring
I did pray
 hoping you'd call to say hey
  
 then the dog did stray
 I had to move in haste
apologies to convey
 the neighbor's yard― 
a garbage-strung maze
 after an hour's pace
 a cleaned yard
done in good faith
  
 I reentered the house
 noticed it was only eight
 my day― 
moving at a slow rate
 still no word from my mate
  
 breakfast I did make
 then the taste of toothpaste
 the cleaned dish plates
no time to wait
 everyone dress
screamed hurrah
  
 to the babysitters― 
who monthly I pay
 to take my place
 a goodbye kiss
a last minute wave
 off to work
my smile...fake
  
 then I remember
I hadn't ate
 my eight-hour day
drove its heavy weight
 still no word from my mate
  
 rush-hour traffic
a nerve-raking state
 thus beginning the evening chase
 babysitter, supper
no flirter's bait
comes my way
 sent the children
off to bathe
 finally you call
again...you're working late
 a quiet evening to waste
 long, restless night
again...I must face
 until you're home
and I feel safe
  
 did you think of me today
 no call came my way
 underneath my smile I sway
no words do I say
 I thought of you all day
 as I rushed through
my filled plate
  
Continue reading “‘A Woman’s Strength’”

‘Choices’

The Lie: How Far Would You Go?

A sample from Book 9

 Choices
  
 what's with you
you evil whore
 coming in my door
trying
to rattle my feathers
 don't you know
you'll only be shattered
  
 it's not even a bother
not even a matter
  
 my Mighty Warrior†
awaits in amusing wonder
 –ready to pound
His† rage in thunder
  
 no, you silly, hopeless looter
 it's no immediate tit-a-tater
 His† time
mover in slow swinging of chimes
 comes at you
in kind
  
 allowing your laughter
pitter-patter
 –friends in gather
 while His† children
take on your karma
 in prayer
becoming the fighter
  
 He† watches them
in wonder
 
why, to them, you even matter
  
 He† knows
His† heart fills with joy–
 He's† their father
He† watches their struggle
 how in tears
they fumble
 how in their faith
they don't waver
 how over you
they sit...pray...think over
  
 He† let's this go on
for a while
 proud...each...His† true child
 their sighs, their fears
their doubts
 –little by little
He† releases them
 –pulls them out
favors them
with His† glory
  
 for each person
you tried to use
 to get through–
 –instead
His† children came through
for Him†
 in dirt
left you to waddle
 in soft words
saying...fuck you
  
 as His† children's hearts settle–
 He† gathers His† armor
 prepares for His† battle
  
 there's no riddle
to what He's† capable
 –He† never deviates
from principle–
 what He's† always commanded
He† still demands
  
 He's† forgiving
He† forewarns
 His† unconditional love
brings no harm
 –choices
man's very hand
  
 His† prepared armor
 isn't about you
you evil whore
 He's† preparing to fight
your brought on strife
  
 He† lowers His† head
a tear...streams down
 rain, thunder rages
waiting
for the open heart
 sincerity in ask
to begin His† task
 watching strife consume
 waiting, waiting, waiting
pounding His† heart
  
why is it so hard
 placing down
truth's card
  
 unconditional love
He† gives
choices we get
 He† doesn't step in
 'til open
true hearts begin
  
 then...only then
He'll† fight–
 slaughter that strife
 brought on by you
you evil whore
 –slam shut
your damn door
 move your victim's path
into the light
 where He† stays to fight
'til they win
 –do their gift
   coming from within 
Continue reading “‘Choices’”

‘Attrition’

Ways Codependents React to Narcissists After a Breakup

A sample from Book 9

 Attrition
  
 a stable life in good–
doing what you should
 holding on tight–
what's under the hood
  
 seasons change
all the same
knowing they would–
 gripping firmly to strength
 keeping sight
in positive's look
 assuring self
you've done it right–
 gave the love you could
  
 then all stop–
a tied-up knot
the sudden chop
 from what is
to the cold, calculated not
  
 words thrown
you misunderstood
  
 you...searching
for answers in known
 looking back–
on grounds stood
 phrases said–
bouncing in head
 surely something mistook–
signs overlooked
  
 you know what you felt
 all the right moves dealt
 –the magic read in clouds
stories in books
 readings in prayer books
right there...underfoot
 all the best
in adulthood
 words clearly understood
  
 but there...lacking input
 missed lessons in hymn books
 –deceptions little nook
misguided direction
 landing
in betrayal's neighborhood
  
 all the pieces
so well together...put
 a bit in the odd–
the back-there look
  
 a moved life
in sudden maidenhood
 no written guidebook
teachings a foot–
 these misguided ways
in falsehood
  
 stripping moments of good–
 losing self
in fancy-driven gook
 scenes of hollywood
 masterminds mastering weakness–
 perils of womanhood–
 –sly little crooks
 robbing more livelihood–
 what was already shook
  
 tighter goes the knots
yet another sudden stop–
 that letting-down drop
 forcing
the non-welcomed re-surfacing
 of anger's top
that place–
you thought chopped
  
 lessons learned in crop–
 that sudden stop
strengthens the lot
 of hurt's already
worn-out blot
  
 out goes buddhahood–
peaceful mind
turns to soot
 promises of a finally found–
 true
honesty in real's manhood
 lost once again
in a dreamer
stuck in boyhood
  
 all this defend
breaks self down–
 losing the will it took
 to again's stuck in pussyfoot
 –for nothing more
 than mere, stagnated driftwood–
 too hard for firewood
too nimble-footed
 too backwoods
to be anyone's
true knighthood
  
 so you just dawn an old frock
 cover all the clocks
mourn what's not
 –lessons thrown to floors
then mopped
 live a bit in shell-shock
  
 then, again fight
return good
 to its original spot
 –add the lost
 to false-love's overflowing
melting pot
 –take a minute...sob
tie tighter the knot
 listen to some hip-hop
suck on some lollipops
 –try to forget
once more...robbed
 trying to convince self–
 heartbreak
not your mascot
  
 but hope steps on in
 forcing self
back into believe–
somewhere, out there
 a heart's coming
your world to rock
 without ever again
the sudden stop
 from what is
to what's not–
love in flop
Continue reading “‘Attrition’”

Breaking Your Codependency….

…and Moving On To ‘Normal’

A sample from Book 12

That is the question that I had to end this book with. Going through the trials in life are hard. This year I had to face my mother’s death and the destruction of my three-year relationship, as well fight more health issues while being 1600 miles from all my family.

Codependency had still a hard grip on me, but the anxiety that I had fought through was just about gone. I would have to go through a forced intervention to figure out what the true medicine for codependency and all those negative thoughts were.

Continue reading “Breaking Your Codependency….”

‘Thrust in Turns’

Freeing Yourself From Codependency

A sample from Book 11

That’s an interesting question. It’s the biggest question that I tackle in my 11th book of My 12-Book Series. It’s a tough order. Just the Introduction was a tough order to write. The writing extensive and so was my life at the time.

Codependency showed its ugly face over and over bringing me to pure helplessness. I struggled. I fought against everyone. I was determine to find a way to break this crap. I refuse to believe that there was no cure. Everyone was lying and I was determined to prove it! Don’t be put off. There’s still another book that follows this one. Here’s part of my Introduction to Book 11.

Continue reading “‘Thrust in Turns’”

Recognizing Codependency in Yourself!

A sample from Book 9

Oh! Are you in for a treat! I began talking about codependency in Book 6. I didn’t see the horror in it until 2015…that need to make others happy began to affect me in the worse way. The following is part of the Introduction to Book 9 in My 12-Book series.

To heal…to completely heal from abuse, you have to deal with the codependent in you. It won’t be easy. From this book all the way to Book 12, I fought it. You can do it, too. Trust in the journey and get my books…I do have a different answer than most do.

Continue reading “Recognizing Codependency in Yourself!”

Bringing Yourself from Hurt to Healing!

A sample from Book 8

It’s a process. Sometimes a long one depending if abuse was in the mix. The follow is part of the Introduction to my 8th book in My 12-Book Series. It’s just the beginning of the acceptance stage. Depression still follows. Anger still follows you. You have a journey, but you can do it.

My journey took a twist by adding another relationship to the mix. This book is only the beginning to that. Oh! You just gotta love those who just think they don’t do any wrong. Life’s quite a ride!

“…This book is an exploration of self: Overcoming the anger, the hurt, seeing the damage and healing, understanding how God brings us to something in order to help us and not hinder us, to understand that God’s timing is not our own…and it doesn’t matter how we want to rush it, He’ll stop us in our tracks, slow us down in order for time to heal…[time to] work its magic.

Continue reading “Bringing Yourself from Hurt to Healing!”

This Is What Depression from Betrayal Looks Like

A sample from Book 7

All different shades! No one handles betrayal the same…or do we? We rage. We scream. We yell and cry. What happens after that? Depression. How you handle it is up to you. Many times…we don’t have a choice how that plays out. The following is from the Introduction of my 7th Book in My 12-Book Series.

“There are things you have to do to take care of yourself during this stage. You have to get out of it. I know showing you how I got through the initial shock of it, will help you make through alive!

Continue reading “This Is What Depression from Betrayal Looks Like”