denial – Page 3 – k. e. leger

‘Unshattering’

‘Unshatter’ Who Others Want You To Be!

A sample from Book 9

 Unshattering
  
 don't look at me
 –your indifference
 don't say you know me
 –a casual acquaintance
 don't try to control me
 –words are just cadence
 don't think you have me
 –trivial acceptance
  
 all things of me– 
 –piece after piece
 glued, sewn, stapled...rebuilt
 whatever it took– 
rekindled this book
  
 take a good, hard look– 
whatever I could
 not caring...if I should
 nor daring...if I would
  
 it's all just burned wood
reasons understood–
 renewing me
back to peace
 –a whole lot of free
 this place
I can just be
  
 don't come at me
 thinking
you'll change me
  
 this unshattering of me
took time, deeds
 please, please, please
of others' reprieve
 –to undo
the beating of me
  
 secrets aren't hidden from me
 through your swirling sea
clearly I see
 –it's so easy
to flee
 without missing
one beat
  
 go on...see
in a breeze
I'll swerve
 I know what I deserve
  
 no longer...this me
covered in ego's dirt
 no, no...I'm in free
 I'll easily flirt
test the waters
 –even in the deepest of curves
 avoid pride's careless surf
'cause I can, you see
  
 no longer...this heart beat
 buried in condition's thirst
 me...you cannot convert
 aware, I am
this value in worth
 the whole of me–
  
 a choosing little tweet
 –accept me
 –go on
the street...beat
  
 in choice...I'm free
 no longer sufferings in need‒
 living carefree
in wanting desires of please
 –the truth of me
   who I'm meant to be

‘Salvation’s Need’

To Deny Others Is To Deny God!

 Salvation's Need
  
 test after test
I have failed
 my 360
to the cross...nailed
 You† brought people to me
 in their time of weak
 ‒salvation
I failed to help them seek
  
 instead, I buried them deep
 words from my mouth
did seep
 actions
I didn't allow to creep
 in self
I curled up in weep
  
 my time has come and sailed
 out of all of it
I tend to bail
 turning my back
not wanting to see
 how another's picture
on them...creeps
 I just give up and flee
  
 whatever awakens
this ignorance of me
 strip it
take it from me
 strengthen me
help me to see
 keep me from feeling sorry
lost in self pity
  
 Lord†, this part of me
 that lived unselfishly
 I lost
please return it to me
 without this lumpy throat
from way down deep
 without fears and anxiety
 help me open my mouth
speak
 in words of calm
humility, peace
without selfish
insecurities

‘Alone’s Passion’

Being Single Is Better Than Being Abused!

A sample from Book 8

 Alone's Passion 
  
 I can do this, do that
 without time
to count
  
 no voices to hear
 I want this, want that
 missing it
no doubt
  
 I can say this, say that
 without being condemned
 for going too north
or too south
  
 I can talk to myself
out loud
 as loud as I want
 not worrying
to shut my mouth
  
 I can wear
what I want
 cover it or flaunt
  
 I can sleep all day
play all night
 jack up my music
 keep on
all the lights
 without anyone saying
hush...don't
  
 I can sit around
day-dream
 not do a damn thing
  
 is there another out there
doing the same
  
 still– 
another's hand to hold
in want
 –deal with the game
so in old
 life doesn't die in cold
 without ever
having another
know
 how I roll

‘Floating in Air’

Stress-Free Zone Ahead!

A sample from Book 8

 Floating in Air
  
 I came around
to see change
 shortening the range‒
 just to see
all's the same
  
 so I float
in this air
here and there
 hoping for flair‒
 hearts open
gentle love's token
 but all's still broken
 ‒all's still forsaken
 eyes still closed
minds sealed‒
 that forever
round and round wheel
  
 so I'll reside here
just for a while
 give a little time
then off I'll fly
 forget
all this here try
 fully learning
no one can rearrange
 what's lost
in derange
 what refuses
to grow
 stay stuck
in naysayer's flow
  
 so here
I'll just float in air
 give a chance
a second
a third
 then off
I'll go
  
 hit the road
 seek places
where real love
flows
 without needing
chances to prove
 out right show‒ 
I won't just be there
 flowing freely in airs
desiring to share
 ‒easy will come
care
  
 yes, somewhere
out there
 lies a place
one face
overshadows
two-faced
 where real
the only deal
 ‒truth
over comes fool
this place
 I'll feel the overwhelming
need
to drool
  
 there‒ 
I'll come down
 stand on solid ground
 without a need
to just float in air
 for then
I'll truly feel a need
 to open up‒ 
for something
 care
feel life's breath
in share
 really be there
in that place
    somewhere

‘Use It To Be It’

What ‘Not’ To Do When It Comes To Your Past!

A sample from Book 8

 Use It To Be It
  
 it happened‒ 
look back there
 once, twice, thrice
 ‒don’t stay there
  
 turn that wayward stare
 towards something rare
  
 turn that experience
into deliverance
  
 he may have gotten you
clouded your view‒
 that hidden abuse
that traditional muse
  
 demanding traits of you
 change your clothes
 ‒that too
so subtle, so quiet
  
 you went along
 after all‒ 
you had a home
 someone
to call your own
  
 time ticks
‘til matters click
 change comes quick
  
 only for you‒
  
 he’s his own game
inside...the same
 hiding from you
 ‘til open...wide
clear becomes the view
  
 you fell hard
 that knife
beyond sharp
  
 but here you are
 wearing
a survivor’s star
 wondering‒ 
lies where
your somewhere
  
 from back there
turn that clouded stare
 ‒things begin to clear  

 don’t put that past
totally in the rear
  
 take it‒ 
use it with class
 bettering you
pave an avenue
  
 ‒there’s no excuse
 only you
had the view
  
 share it‒
 help others
overcome it, too
  
 that place
out there
 elevates
what he tried to kill
  
 now
you’re headed somewhere
 while
he’s stuck back there
  
 there’s nothing to it‒
 it’s just fair
  
 his childish control
 becomes
   your gold

‘Pity-Party Me Not’

Don’t Fall To the Devil’s Trap and Lose Yourself to Pity!

A sample from Book 8

 Pity-Party Me Not
  
 save your grace
 ‒me crying in your face
 maybe it's best to walk away‒
 not have your good spirits replaced
 with my selfish-daunting embrace
  
 don't let me crowd your space
 in a lost self-pitying race
 I have to find my way
 backward steps
not to trace
 get up
move forward‒ 
there's a dream to chase
 ‒a gift
in my heart
God† did place
  
 in all that oh-poor-me lace
 ‒wasting day after day
 I put aside what's great
 for others' self-demeaning fate
 ‒those who lost faith
 not giving time of day
to words God† had to say
  
 that day after day
turned to year after year
 willingly serving myself up‒
 a circling, dead-horse tray
 my own bed made‒ 
self-pity's prized bait
  
 around and around
up and down
burying my I
 around, around, around‒ 
a circling maze
 ‒down, down, down
in self-pity I laid
  
 to whomever'd sit and listen
I'd saturate‒
 serve self-pity's cake
 jump in with pleasure
without thought‒ 
bathe
 smothering my I in hate
 on self‒ 
adding burdensome's weight
  
 flying free
in the greatness of unease‒
 my eyes‒ 
lost in sedate
 ‒shielded behind bondage's tape
 over my happy‒ 
anger's blackened cape
 misery's base
I did drape
  
 I closed all gates
let the sun's ray
 slowly sink to night's blackened gray
 ‒down, down, down
in a mercury-ladened lake
 'til I laid in waste
 seemingly sealed in a darkened cave
  
 I held on tight‒  
my wilderness-mentality trait
 fighting against moses' trusting faith‒
 doing whatever it took
 ‒forget heart's break
 with constant play‒ 
attending every sinful date
 ‒hearing God's† words
refusing to obey
 falling down, down, down
not caring what's at stake
 from reality‒ 
wanting to separate
 losing to evil's webbing spray
  
 everyone turned‒ 
from me
ran in haste
 'til self-pity became my only mate
  
 then came the day
deep inside me‒
 God's† hand began to vibrate
 my wavering faith
evil couldn't take
 ‒mixed-up signals
my heart began to translate
 at first
a slow rate
 raising from a bottomless crate‒
 I began harder to pray
  
 through all my mistakes
 for me
God's† patience did wait
 cradling me
as I lay
 ‒drowning in self-pity's tears
 softly patting my back‒
 knowing how slow this I operates
 telling me:
  
 it's going to be okay
 take your time
it's your way to make
 no matter the pace
it's never too late
 ‒whatever the case
 I'll† help you break
evil's enclosed vase
  
 harder I did pray
 hearing clearer His† words
 stronger became my faith
'til that magical day
 His† light alone‒ 
out of that darkened cave
 my way
He† did pave
  
 here and there
self-pity comes, says hey
 for moments‒ 
again
I lose my way
 but as light as a needle of hay
 He† lifts me
 ‒His† light pours within me
 an abundance of rays
 blinding evil's come what may
 filling me with gentle's taste
 ‒oranges, apples, grapes
fruits of my labor
 the brilliance of grace
my truth in faith
 proving to me
nothing stands in my wake
  
 so, each time
self-pity‒ 
I seem to embrace
 just give me space
 let me alone face
find my own way
 backward steps
less and less to trace
 each new day
faster and faster
I replace‒
 that wilderness-mentality trait
 ‒evil's webbing embrace
oh-poor-me beckoning date
 soon to disappear
without a trace
  
 the deeper I pray‒
 quicker and quicker
I re-find my way
  
 with purer, stronger faith
 realizing
it's not just a dream to chase
 it's a gift‒
 in my heart
God† did place
  
 so, my self-pity
please don't embrace
 turn away
give me my moments
to pray
 my special one-on-one date
 just me and my Lord†
 ‒heavy in faith
immersing my I
 in words He† has
to say
  
 ‒no time limits placed
on days I pray
 just know when I emerge‒
 I'm stronger
heavily armed in His† way
 so each tomorrow
I'll easily face
 for I'm endowed‒
 smothered happily
   in His† amazing grace

‘Codependent’

The Codependent: Make Yourself Happy First!

A sample from Book 6

 Codependent
  
 I've tried to help
 in ways
that didn't help
  
 I've said yes
then no
to my self
  
 I've avoided
hurting others
 only to hurt myself
  
 to trust my own feelings
 I've been afraid
  
 I've believed lies
 then betrayed-
I often felt
  
 I wanted to get even
punish others
 for putting me
on a shelf
  
 I often
became smothered
 in anger and hate
 -wanting to kill
not feeling safe
  
 I've fought
for others' rights
 when they didn't know
how the law swayed
 only to be left
alone
 like an abandoned stray
  
 I've often settled
for others' worth
 -left my own
to grow another day
  
 I became
the reaction
 to others' anger and hate
 instead of listening to self
 walking my own way
  
 I became
less of me
 for others
to be set free
  
 I've lost myself
to dependency
 on how others felt
 without seeing
my own need
 to be free
   to be just me

‘Stepping into the Fear’

Forget the Fear. Concentrate On What You Want!

A sample from Book 6

 Stepping into the Fear
  
 what you are is what you think
 ―an old worn out thing
 but living half your life
you come to see
 how truly right
these words ring
  
 any day-dreaming thought
 even silently in the dark
 ―closed secret of the heart
 given enough time
begins to shape its part
  
 if the pictures seep in your head
 while laying in bed
 something you dread
or just want to unwed
 ―be careful
your repeated secret byline
 given enough time
 will come to you
will come true
  
 it takes years
to make the picture clear
 bits and pieces― 
many scenarios pass through
 your reality won't mock it
 your actions won't show it
 but in the universe
you did throw it
  ―over and over
believing it just fantasy
 only your mind can see
 nothing close to your reality
 what does it hurt
losing yourself to its scenes
  
 just a day-dreaming thought
 something imagined in the dark
 ―silently in your heart
 where no one has to be fought
 something you think
not really sought
 given enough time
begins to shape its part
  
 with enough passing days
 with enough nights to fade
 the fantasy slowly builds
 secret thoughts turn real
  
 the universe enjoys enough time
 fantasy to reality begins to align
 instead of in your head
 ―hidden secrets fed
soon to become
a life led
  
 deep inside
you try to deny
 your eyes continuously cry
 this can't be right
 you start a war
 ―feverously fight
 an outward dreaded fear
 ―at first unclear
 the day-dreaming thoughts stop
 as hands move on a clock
tic-toc, tic-toc
 all your eye-seeing reality
 becomes your secret fantasy
 not exactly the way you saw
 ―the same is the result
  
 wiping away the tears
 now, it's all perfectly clear
 what you wanted the most
 ―the secret you didn't boast
 was the one thing
you truly feared
 the fantasy
that only the universe
could hear
  
 so it changed your course
 ―it may feel forced
 you yell, scream, cry
over and over asking why
 repeat, repeat, repeat
'til you're hoarse
  
  it leaves you no choice
 but to step into your fear
 ―see your secret thoughts
 as the true reality
of your heart

‘Twenty-Year Itch’

Trust Me: It’s Not Your Fault!

A sample from Book 6

 Twenty-Year Itch
  
 there's a glitch
 in this marriage-is-forever niche
 no one says it
 when selling their pitch
 they just say―
marriage is a gift
 no more ifs
no more endless cliffs
 but it's all a myth
for there's a ditch
 from which
comes the switch
 where love drifts
lies are rich
 truths are a bitch
change is swift
  
 heed this warnings' monolith
 the twenty-year itch
 comes from this sudden twitch
 egotistical snitch
 a labyrinth
a deceptive clinch
 leaving you adrift
lost to miff
 without even one
   understanding flinch

‘The Hanging’

When You’re Caught In Silent Abuse

A sample from Book 1

 The Hanging
  
 the heart thumps
a thunderous bolt
 tightens and roars—
 wrapping, squeezing
like a sailor’s rope
  
 hunger escapes
while sleeplessness eludes
 jolted and battered—
 feeling the vapor
of a flowerless fool
  
 shaking
with rupturing chills
 cold and hot—
 not quite understanding
this weathering thrill
  
 voice over voice
cloud the mind
 yes or no—
 eyes turn cold
moisten
then go blind
  
 searching for light
yearning to yell
 craving an escape—
 this pending doom
to a bottomless hell
  
 beneath there’s bound
to be salvation
 somewhere to run—
 ‘til then
there’s only damnation

Tag: denial

‘Unshattering’

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‘Salvation’s Need’

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‘Alone’s Passion’

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‘Floating in Air’

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‘Use It To Be It’

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‘Pity-Party Me Not’

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‘Codependent’

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‘Stepping into the Fear’

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‘Twenty-Year Itch’

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‘The Hanging’

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