Tag: authenticself

‘Hidden Treasure’

Discovering the hidden treasure in yourself!

 Hidden Treasure
  
 I found it
in the mince of broken
 it was afraid and hidden
 an abundantly harvested token
 ‒over used and forsaken
  
 I took it in
without fear's notion
 ‒not even feeling a demotion
 I bathed
in its scented potion
 rolled around
in its storied creation
  
 I overlooked‒ 
its wicked formation
 for I saw‒ 
a different translation
 ‒one that needed
a believer's gratification
 one with a heart-filled formulation
  
 I listened
to its every beckon
 sometimes, in stages of drunken
  
 all around...deemed it poison
 something to be shackled‒ 
in a far-away prison
  
 I threw out‒ 
traditionalized opinions
 nothing stuck‒ 
rotten or forbidden
 its scent just heightened
 ‒nothing could be wrong
or mistaken
  
 I moved like lightening
 intentional burns‒ 
gone...forgotten
 ‒days passing slow, steadfast‒ 
good ridden!
 I drove it‒ 
to an endless vacation
 ‒whatever conviction
out...came my eviction
  
 I smiled as I saw its rising
 all my stops...fully opened
 pulling it out of hopeless‒
 with my inner-most motivation
 ‒a darkened star had risen!
  
 I fought everything
in grand petition
 every inside concentration‒
 I put aside
rose to the occasion
 ‒with the fierceness of driven
 this hidden treasure
overcoming every treason
 to become the lamination
of a new generation!
  
 stop!....
  
 reveal
came its different ideas written
 all avenues taken‒ 
off records...stricken
 –beating all those defeating‒ 
overcoming...petitions
 a losing validation!
  
 I lost to its mention
 ‒there...in its private station
 came to life‒ 
its own treasure hidden
 in all its careful motions‒
 belts and strings
forcefully tightened
  
 I craved to be enlightened
 –nothing valued...given
 anything to elevate my vision
 halted in moments of frighten
  
 I fought constant bent roads‒
 tried to straighten
tried to remember each lesson
 through all that glistened‒
 it had its own secrets woven
 ‒knowledge in listen
 mixing up pointless decisions
 taking all the forgivens
 icing them‒ 
in the forever of frozen
  
 yes, I found it
in the mince of broken
 it was afraid and hidden
 an abundantly harvested token
 ‒over used and forsaken
  
 but all the good of will‒ 
off...steadily shakened
 breathing‒ 
living a horrid token
 in anger's hidden conviction
 ‒all that's been stolen‒ 
on others
its constant reliving
  
 it found its way‒ 
in rebuilding
 using knowledge given
 slashing‒ 
all help's salutations
 keeping to itself‒ 
a stolen formulation
 ‒to avoid sharing‒ 
treasures hidden
 as I sit
in lost wanderings–
 moments
I took it
out of forsaken
Continue reading “‘Hidden Treasure’”

‘Anger’s Infest’

Anger wants you steadfast! God wants you moving forward!

 Anger's Infest
  
 feel it beneath your skin
 evil's way of getting within
 actions in horror's den
 ‒ways of evil's perfect sin
  
 it'll trap you in cussing
 it'll condemn you in swearing
 pulling at you...probing
 wanting your reaction
 for it's only satisfaction
  
 it'll take all
of your triggering notions
 you...down...dragging
 as it smiles
in sadistic laughing
 craving your giving in
 your fight...it's welcoming
 celebrating
your mind's condemn
  
 anger...evil's infested gem
 words, actions
its consistency in playing
 wanting you
self to defend
 so it can celebrate
in its win
  
 feel it beneath your skin
 evil's way of getting within
 actions in horror's den
 ‒ways of evil's perfect sin
Continue reading “‘Anger’s Infest’”

‘You Bitch!’

Simple Ways for You to Defeat Negative Self Talk

A sample from Book 12

 You Bitch!
  
 I've got an itch
 ‒pouring through my mind
a well-dug ditch
 screaming words in myth
to the highest pitch
 forcing me down a darkened pit
 ‒a text-blasting trip
 becoming an accusing witch
 out to smash an invisible zit
  
 every word on my lips
 disguised in angry fits
 passing along this typed niche
 thinking it's hip
making itself rich
 ‒taking advantage of my slip
  
 you evil bitch!
I'm gonna smash you to bits
 I'm so tired of your shit
 in the bud...I'm gonna nip
 not for a moment anymore
 forever...your throat
I'm gonna slit
 
 over the top
I'm gonna flip
 dunk you
down below...permanently dip
  
 no more...you get wit
 over the head‒ 
you...I'm gonna hit
 no more playful glitches
 in God†...get a good whiff
 of wine I'm gonna sip
sit back‒
 finally be done
with your controlling, irrational blip
 up goes my middle finger‒ 
see the tip
 up yours!
you piece of shit!

(October 16, 2018)—Are you mad at me for cussing? Get over yourself. This is a commentary that screams—It’s time for some cussing!

I’m going to give you some good information here if you suffer from depression, anger, negative self-talk to help you start turning things around in your life. Don’t worry. I’m taking this same journey, so let’s ride!

I’m doing two workshops at one time. The one on anger which I wrote a few posts about this past week and a happiness workshop. I’m also reading a second workbook titled Pathways to Recovery, A Strengths Recovery Self-Help Workbook by Priscilla Ridgway, Diane McDiarmid, Lori Davidson, Julie Bayes, and Sarah Ratzlaff.

Continue reading “‘You Bitch!’”

‘Knife’

Surviving the Knife of Those Who Betray You!

A sample from Book 12

(April 21, 2018)—That knife becomes weaker when we gain the support of others, when we start to see the true meaning behind our life. That knife doesn’t come out that easy especially when you see everyone’s true disclosure.

There’s so much to say, then there’s nothing to say. I have this much on my mind: If they don’t want to see you, it doesn’t matter what you say or do, they won’t see you.

I’ve said a lot here on Facebook. I revealed a lot…but there’s a lot I haven’t revealed. So you only get a piece of the puzzle…never the whole picture. Why? Because I do have a life and part of that life is private as for everyone else. There’s a lot of pain I cover up…and, yes, there is still pain. There will always be pain because an entire portion of my life has been wiped out…and not by choice.

I tried calling my daughter. It appears that she’s changed her number. I think that odd because the words I last typed her in text were answers to words she said to me, but I’m held totally accountable. Why? Oh, because I’m 49 years old and should know better. I’m the mom…but that doesn’t come into affect when I’m called by my name instead of Mom. Just saying….

 Knife
  
 it was put in there‒ 
nice and tight
 when I move around
to the left, to the right
 it reveals its price
 ‒how it changed my life
 the strength it took‒ 
robbing my mind
 the way it makes me wanna fight
 even if it isn't right
 even if I said...say...things impolite
 I was...am...gonna fight
 ‒even while speaking of the light
  
 at times, I feel like a poltergeist
 a faded memory...sliced and diced
 forgotten the way I was
 forever entombed in what I've become
 not a homicide
 ‒a genocide of all that was nice
 womanly, motherly...dignified
 downgraded to a parasite
 ‒not fit for normal's life
  
 should I be lost in contrite
 bowed down in pity...outright
 or was I absolutely right
turning childlike
 begging for help‒ 
from Jesus Christ†
  
 who has the right to decide‒ 
I'm the sacrifice
 in order for them‒ 
to have their paradise
  
 who had the right‒ 
shift truth to lies
 bury this knife
in what used to be‒
 a mother, sister, daughter, wife
  
 in me...it so mystifies
 how everyone becomes tongue-tied
 when abuse is in transcribe
 ‒the victim screams in alive
 how extreme...me...it mortifies
 that, no matter which way‒ 
death...comes in die
 twist, twist, twist the knife
 gone daughter, sister, mother, wife
  
 rebuilding exemplified
the alibis become jives
 words in wisdom...just implied
 while words...wombs...rob the mind
 memories of building the first life‒
 took one times forty-five
  
 pull, pull, pull out the knife
time in modify
 is there another forty-five
 my, my, my how it mystifies
 what comes of‒ 
pulling out the knife
Continue reading “‘Knife’”

‘Thank You for the Time’

Let yourself learn from the lessons given!

A sample from Book 12

  Thank You for the Time
  
 I often mix up the rhyme
 wanting the rhythm
in times
 then I think
this life of mine
 has to end some time
  
 thank you, Lord†, for the time
 the silence
the frozen bones
 thinking deep...on my own
 without stories to tell
 ‒just a visit home
  
 thank you, Lord†, for this time
 everyone has seeds sewn
 everyone to everyone...cloned
 beeps from a wireless phone
 passing on‒ 
without really being known
  
 I thank you anyway, Lord†
for this time
 for bleak bitterness
in my mind
 for the tearing love
in my heart
 ‒I once fought so hard
feeling so torn apart
 in this space...I am caught
 reading words‒ 
to me...once taught
  
 thank you, Lord†
my lessons are mine
 listening deep‒ 
watching go by...the time
 wondering if enough‒ 
I've been kind
  
 no backwards
only forwards
 can I move the line
 taking the lessons‒ 
building new rhyme
 understanding the journey
 through time
is not just mine
  
 thank you, Lord Jesus†
 for all those moments
in time
 I'll bring them all in
 play with them
in my mind
then cherish the rhyme
 after all, You've† given me
the time
Continue reading “‘Thank You for the Time’”

‘Allegorium’

What it takes to keep love!

A sample from Book 11

 Allegorium
 
  
 (what is it in life
 if you can't tell
wrong from right
 to see in sight
what is of great heights
 to know
from a wrong fight
and a right fight
 ‒one worth the cry
one not worth the try)
  
 there was a yell, a scream
an act of rage
 mixed in scents of sage
  
 she would leave
she would leave today
 her bags...she began to pack
 ‒the stress off her back
  
 she voiced everything
she wanted to sack
 her mind lost in a haze
 remembering
all those great days
 ‒reasons why she stayed
  
 anger filled in a maze
this way, that way
 ‒which path to take
  
 wanting to run
 in spite of the fun
 then in comes the pun‒ 
standing eye to eye
 tears suddenly
fill in cry
  
 we just can't be together  

 shaking
coming from deep inside

 I know 

 each not willing to move‒ 
standing their ground
 knowing
without making a sound
 it all comes down
to mixes in race
 different traditions
different tastes
  
 but that's just the base
 to what lies beneath‒
 experiences
in the lace
  
 wanting her to stay
 knowing
his moments in rage
 ‒can't keep her in a cage
 from her mind
it won't fade
 searching
for words to say
  
 wanting nothing in fright
 in his dark eyes‒ 
seeing the willing light
 wanting her to seek it
 please make it bright
 understand the hard in my life
 for it, I had to fight
 sealing up everything inside
  
 confusion succumbed‒ 
the sudden in rays
 from his silent, pleading glaze
 it's not just his aces and eights
 that's on the take
  
 she adds up the sum
to it, he wasn't dumb
 every piece, every crumb
has to be sorted‒
 to smooth out
the constant lump
  
 another chance
another steady ride
 taking each side
 ‒what's buried in hide
 no matter how many lows and highs
 wobbling
through pass homicides
 all those moments‒ 
others confused their minds
 making them want to pounce‒
 in anger...quickly dive
  
 thinking through it‒ 
hearing every sound
 warnings, confusion, heart‒
 feeling the surface of found
 wondering where its bound
this constant round
 has to sooner or later
release its hound
 when wanting to stay
is all around
  
 softly relaxing
the lines on her face
 that unconditional
is not in a trace
 ‒it's in the base
of foundation's lace
 without living in a race
  
 what others see as a toxic tray
 may just be
the difference in race
 in raised traditional's case
 ‒angers set in
wanting to be erased
  
 each learning to let go‒
 what once slapped them
in the face
 releasing anger's ways
 that keeps trapping them
in a haze
 ‒exploding in a blaze
  
 what is it in life
 if you can't tell
wrong from right
 to see in sight
what is of great heights
 ‒to know Jesus'† life
why for us, He† died
  
 love is worth the ride
for it, pay the price
 for the reward
   everlasting life
Continue reading “‘Allegorium’”

‘Live’

Don’t put it off until tomorrow!

A sample from Book 11

 Live
  
 today means nothing in tomorrow
 today means nothing in yesterday
 today is today
  
 yesterday was once today
 tomorrow will be today
 one known, one unknown
yet, today is
  
 what happened yesterday
won't happen again
 what will happen tomorrow
 just a guess, my friend
  
 today, oh! today
 each second, each minute
 each hour...is ours to devour
  
 don't think of what was
 nor what will follow
  
 today...over...tower
 be its blooming flower
 without counting
seconds, minutes, hours
  
 for death still comes
for all...not some
 never knowing the exact hour
 no more, blooms the flower
  
 today, shines the light
no need to fight
 it's up...so bright
use it in delight
 without thinking twice
  
 for yesterday is gone
 tomorrow...an unsung song
 today, oh! today‒
 today is
so...go on...live
  
Continue reading “‘Live’”

‘Places Shackled’

You’ve got to ask God and stop complaining!

A sample from Book 10

  Places Shackled
  
 He† asked not to forsaken Him†
 yet gives a choice‒
 free-will to accept within
  
 analogies, theological preachings
 leads only to leeching
 the wrong, deceitful teaching
 ‒a constant arguing of bitching
 leaves hungry souls
 waiting, anticipating
in places allowing shackling
  
 He's† proven enough
for everyone's love
  
 He† doesn't have to do rough
 ‒that's the enemy's stuff
but He'll† get tough
 when love's smothered in crud
  
 to push buttons
lead people to suffering
 ‒He's† testing
seeing who's believing
 wondering how long
for hearts in changing‒
 faith begins ringing
  
 amazing to watch‒ 
tickings of the cock
 deceptions...coming in hot
 ‒evil's little bot
 it'll be easy to come in‒ 
without a knock
 as you wage wars
on a dot
  
 careful now‒ 
He† understands wow
 hears every prayer in loud
  
 evil things...He† does allow
 waiting for the choice
a hungry heart's voice
 in free-will...the bow
 ‒without asking how!
Continue reading “‘Places Shackled’”

‘Internal Exposure’

Ladies: ‘Lean In’ and take the lead!

A sample from Book 10

 Internal Exposure
  
 get it out–
 that ingrained lesson
in your head
  
 stop! suppressing it–
 instead...shout
you are not dead
  
 don't worry about
green or red–
 stand out
too many...already bled
 for you to shrivel in dread
  
 don't quiver...beg
you do have a choice–
 redefine what's been fed
 rewire that inside voice
  
 female verses male– 
look who's already led
 down, down, down– 
the bottom of a cell
 –on the surface
why do we still tread
  
 slogans they spread
find a good man
 –what happens
after I thee wed–
 dreams...cave-on in
 while man elevates in win
  
 pretty little mommy
on lists of craig–
 might as well list
held back little mommy
 –tuck her...nice and sweet
in her bed
  
 advancement's common thread–
 smart like daddy
 t-shirts read
propaganda of j.c. penny
 –analogies deeply bred
  
 she's just a girly
 words...over and over
said
  
 follow the creed
every line...in the 'reg'
 –you're a 'she'
be a teacher in ed
 or a nurse for ned
forget going into med
 forget running for the leg
or even a pres
 –don't you see
for this– 
you need a third leg
  
 words...buried in the head
 advancing...common avoidance
 leaving girls...in dread
 hanging their intelligence
on a peg
  
 I'll say it...what other's said
 get out of your head
 go out...lead
forget the man-ego clout
 don't be misled
don't listen to internal's doubt
 bypass labels...bitch, bossy
 –ambition is not damnation!
 but a reclassification...recondition
 of old worn, torn traditions
  
 here's some jubilation:
  
 it's okay...go red
 save green
for those babies
you wean
  
 you can do both
 let that...in...soak!
  
 it's okay to be a queen!
 expose that internal dread
 in front of the crowd– 
be in the lead
 –hire someone to clean
 forget all those slogans said–
 you're a woman– 
removed from bygone's dead
  
 be heard...seen
 never again
hiding behind
 tradition's thread
  
 let another make that bed– 
dawn those heels
 paint those lips red
 rewrite those unwritten regs
 that wrongly imposed
   man-ego driven creed
Continue reading “‘Internal Exposure’”

‘Hands to Hold’

Is race going to continue to rule your life?

A sample from Book 10

 Hands to Hold
  
 you come at me
 you're not discrete
bold...unsure
  
 maybe there's a gun in my hand
 maybe I've some contraband
  
 or maybe I just like hands in pocket
 or wearing my earphones in my car
 so I can answer this here phone
 for this car absent of bluetooth–
 protecting me and you
  
 or maybe you're angry– 
having a bad day
 I pass your way
 through your veins runs hate
 so I become your play
  
 I'm just like you‒
 generation after generation
 passed through
without obligations
 to changing the view
  
 –it all seems like voodoo
 we both– 
not really having a clue
 ‒taking it upon ourselves
 get off that dusty shelf
change the view
 so our kids
won't suffer too
  
 maybe I do have a gun
 –anger raging in stun
 do you see inside of me
 my hard history
maybe my hand shakes
 though you can't see
 –you're so angry
 not seeing what's at stake
  
 maybe I did some drugs–
 stopping the pain
 keeping from going insane
 but soothing I didn't gain
 all looks like a game
 emotions adding to more pain
  
 then you come along
 thinking I'm a thug
 you want to cut me down‒
 stump me like a bug
 without knowing the deal at home
 why I'm here– 
a gun...all alone
  
 maybe don't yell
 talk...love– 
let it swell
  
 instead of jail– 
lead my soul to help
 without making me
hate myself
  
 I, too, want peace
 between you and me
  
 maybe instead of arrogance‒
 show understanding
compassion
  
 I don't want a free ride
 just a reason...inside
not to cry
  
 I am tough
I've got muscles, tats
 my life has been rough
 –crazy and all that
 it doesn't mean
I'm just stuff
to pluck
  
 a handshake
a hug
  
 –that just might be
enough
  
 I'm a human being
 I don't mean to sting
  
 just a little bitter
 please, your anger–
 could you reconsider
  
 look at me for me
God's† child
 making my way...like you
 through the miles
  
 –the past is gone
this is now
 together– 
we can make it all
worth while
 if we just remain calm–
 approach each other
in mild
 without death coming in fowl
Continue reading “‘Hands to Hold’”