Tag: silentabuse

‘Give Me a Pulse’

The Lord said at the end the young will be disrespectful. Yes. He also said in the writings He has sent to me that confusion will be vast. Yes. It is time for us to make our own choice. You have a choice to forgive or not. 

Give Me a Pulse
 
a sacrifice on a cross
wasn't the only beat of the toss
‒opening up the vault
sent everyone in a summersault
seeing truly
who was righteous
who was false
 
adding to the one
with the highest pulse
adding ease
adding difficult
adding a given choice
to their final result
 
melchizedek sends word
as God† instructs the waltz
‒a judge to consult
love or a revolt
each has a cross
each has sins to exhaust
up and down
goes their waltz
then it's time to talk
‒take Jesus† along
for the walk
 
until the lesson's taught
each person is left
in sought
finding their own way
separately...together
‒but it isn't necessary
each is still caught
for the final result
 
all individual hearts
carefully weighed
measuring each scar
as its pulled out
the forgotten time-vault
‒waiting patiently
for the toss
 
the judge's final straw
a decision based on law
decided on your own draw

(October 14, 2020)―Thoughts. We are all basically on our own in the choices that we make. I was put into a very hard place over the weekend. I wrote a piece I haven’t published yet. I wanted to but the Lord says it’s not time. Instead this piece.

The Lord said at the end the young will be disrespectful. Yes. He also said in the writings He has sent to me that confusion will be vast. Yes. It is time for us to make our own choice. You have a choice to forgive or not. You have a choice to dishonor your parents or not. It’s not on them. My mother gave me so many reasons to dishonor her. I couldn’t. I would get mad at her, not speak to her for weeks, but then the need of her would come. I never, ever yelled at my mother, nor would even considered it, though at times I wanted to. I bit my tongue. She was my mother. My love for her outweighed anything she did to me. My father has been a different story. I saw the way he treated my mother. Everyone praises him. I don’t. I love him. I do. But I can’t honor him. So, I choose to forgive and let mom take care of the rest.

Continue reading “‘Give Me a Pulse’”

‘Words in Wisdom’ and ‘Removing of Chains’

We have to break those chains. If we constantly carry that pain and keep feeding it then we never achieve total peace. We have to be able to lift that hurt off of us. 

Words in Wisdom
 
look up to what's up
oppression happens
in the mind
over years, over time
it brings on despair
something that traumatized‒
and wasn't...at all...fair
 
it took from you
it robbed from you
of an innocence
leaving your mind
in distress
your heart
in confusion
‒it became your affliction
your personal calamity
though you refused to see
too young, too naïve
‒you just saw
it wasn't the way to be
 
so you learned differently
a game of hide and seek
that moved you
to disbelief
 
you threw away empathy
not caring‒
way down deep
‒you learned how to surface
keep things out of seep
showing simple compassion
without making a decision
or turning it into
an intrusion
 
instead you learned to lift
take it off of you‒
to a cause...shift
then bounce it back
‒whomever got a whiff
 
you aced the summersault
getting out of discomfort
byway of other's vaults
‒it's easy for you to stomp
whomever comes‒
revealing your faults
 
‒from your mind
you built a special cult‒
those who live
in the same confusion
‒truth is abruptly put
in halt
cast out...the door barred
in bolt
 
you learned‒
became the master
in shield
‒the enemy
the hidden iniquities:
the unfairness
the immorality
the unjust
the wrong
the evil
the viciousness‒
all that you blame
passed around
with emotions inflamed
 
‒are yours....

(July 10, 2020)―Today, I was lead to Psalm 107 (included fully at the end of the commentary for ‘Removing of Chains’). From that, I was led back into the past and Jesus made me cry. An order I placed weeks ago came in today. It was a dress. It’s the third of six dresses that I ordered in the size 2x. I’m not really a 2x, but I’m not a 6 or a 10 or even a 12 anymore. The 2x dresses fit loose and they are comfortable…COMFORTABLE is the key word. Then I was led to ‘Removing of Chains’ written in 2012. When I got to the end of that writing, that’s when the tears came. And David saying, ‘Yes!’ When you read it, you will totally understand. It is included below, as this is long…an afternoon-sit-with-coffee-or-tea type of writing!

Both ‘Removing of Chains’ and ‘Words in Wisdom’ parallel each other and then to read Psalm 107, either written by King David or Asaph, it doesn’t matter. This writing was written in a time when God clearly made Himself known in big ways. Today, He does it in simple ways that people can see…at least, those who CAN see.

Continue reading “‘Words in Wisdom’ and ‘Removing of Chains’”

‘Channel’

Don’t change your independent self because of another person.

 Channel
  
 a bird flies when its free
 it stagnates
in captivity
 its colors blossom
in variety
 fading in ambiguity
 ‒plucking them out
in atrocity
  
 in nature...the act in free‒
 all the same
in its facility
 a trapping technicality
 ‒being free has its complexity
  
 as a woman
in her diplomacy
 giving true
to her effeminacy
 when treated
with significancy
  
 when she's satisfied
in her sexuality
 she falls into compliancy
 even in another's complacency
 giving up her self-sufficiency
 even her style in flossy
 being, at first
blissful in buoyancy
  
 as it goes...comes the decadency
 becoming aware
of the deficiency
 –a broken down fallacy
 as she meets each exigency
  
 outward...comes her adamancy
 as gone goes her sexy
 –an inward building pudency
 her usual controlled diplomacy
 loses its bearing
to rampancy
  
 as goes the controlling austerity
 saving-money hostility
 ‒slowly caving
in her impetuosity
  
 attention...gone its notoriety
 even her newly shaped nudity
 once praised with delicacy
 gone...with looks
words in vulgarity
 stripping
all her sexy naughty
 –leaving vagueness
in commonality
  
 lack of interest
opens a familiarity
 once ignoring
so much secrecy
 once ignoring the mendacity
 pulling forward
all its perfidy
 as gone...all her sensuality
 understanding
its diverted generosity
 she becomes lost
in recalcitrancy
 –the precious kitty lost
to lunacy
  
 all for giving her free
 to submissive captivity
 for the awakening
of her sexuality!

(May 9, 2019)―It’s funny how life repeats itself when we don’t learn the lesson the first time around. The funny thing for me is that I wrote about this before. I guess it pays to write about it again. The woman and all of her charm and personality has a way of turning into the woman her man wants her to be. Hold on before you scream: That’s not true. I do have a very good point.

Continue reading “‘Channel’”

‘Love in Action’

Actions, in spite of resentment, still say LOVE

 Love in Action
  
 no matter the resentment
 it was given then taken
 actions of love
 still...not just a must
but a do
  
 it's all giving
without judgment
 helping without faking
 actions in love
 doing
without needing a clue
  
 it's helping another
without commitment
 being truthful
without manipulation
 actions in love
 doing
for words are not enough
  
 it's getting over
the resentment
 ‒those taking without
returning the give
 actions in love
 still...a beautiful mark
 on the heart
in the making

(April 30, 2019)―Resentment. I’ve written a lot about resentment in Book 12. It’s part of the codependency deal. A codependent will give and give without thinking of themselves and then they begin to resent it because they carry the expectation of being given in return. Of course, the given in return doesn’t happen most of the time. A codependent is a bit fucked up in a sense because of this expectation.

Continue reading “‘Love in Action’”

‘Shouldering Damage’

You deal and accept the physical damage caused by narcissism’s carelessness

 
Shouldering Damage
  
 upon her shoulders
carries the weight–
 shouldering damage
from those who couldn't stay
 –a go-getter
they couldn't take
 she...never wanting‒ 
any kinda hate
 ‒that was never
her intended fate
  ‒she let love lead the way
 ending in heavy price's
to pay
  
 only in moments
she lived in sedate
 all them medical doctors
had to medicate
 she just needed room‒ 
a bit of space
 to grasp the idea
of her body ache
 never using it as an escape
 ‒it hurt...and she was its bait
  
 she knows she gave it all
 she wasn't some pity rage doll–
 standing somewhere in stall
 she answered a simple call
 –but others led her to fall
 not caring the damage at all
  
 upon her shoulders‒ 
she wears the cape
 an anti-depressant to mask
a different kinda ache
 –emotional chains
she couldn't tolerate
 a burning heart
left in saturate
 mixed with anger
lust and hate
 screaming
without intentional berate
 from love
that just couldn't stay
  
 then again‒ 
she let love be her mate
 a heart damaged‒ 
in too many ways
 –again...a turn in obliterate
 a brain burned in uncultivate
 all that damage‒ 
on her shoulders
in blissful weight
 men who couldn't bear
the cape
 of her physical‒ 
being in waste
  
 she knows she gave it all
 she wasn't some pity rage doll–
 standing somewhere in stall
 she answered a simple call
 –but others led her to fall
 not caring the damage at all
  
 she now wears‒ 
a suit of armor
from love's mate
 as the heavy scars from fake–
 I can't stay
you...I could only tolerate
 builds her face
straight to a destiny's fate–
 the writer in massive create
  
 she...to never deny God
in whatever she faced
 so she shoulders damage
left behind–
 by carelessness
and self hate
 building her rose‒ 
from a destroyer's
intentional state
  
 she knows‒ 
she gave it all
 she wasn't some pity rage doll–
 standing somewhere in stall
 she answered a simple call
 –others led her to fall
 not caring
the damage at all
  
 oh! how
she can stand tall–
 she picked herself up
from the fall
 using the rest of her life
in God's hall
 lost to true love's
missed call
 she knows‒ 
she gave it her all
 –it was not her
that caused
the fall!

(April 24, 21019)—I was sent to a heart specialist today. Although I’m 50, I’m always the youngest in the room when it comes to things like this. (I started saying this phrase back in 2013 when I returned to the VA. I was always the youngest in the room back then.) So, I’m sitting there going through Scriptures, keeping my mind occupied. I didn’t want to think about why I was there. Then I got called to the back. A slew of tests were ordered, including a monitor, which I’ll have to wear for a week.

Continue reading “‘Shouldering Damage’”

‘Anger’s Infest’

Anger wants you steadfast! God wants you moving forward!

 Anger's Infest
  
 feel it beneath your skin
 evil's way of getting within
 actions in horror's den
 ‒ways of evil's perfect sin
  
 it'll trap you in cussing
 it'll condemn you in swearing
 pulling at you...probing
 wanting your reaction
 for it's only satisfaction
  
 it'll take all
of your triggering notions
 you...down...dragging
 as it smiles
in sadistic laughing
 craving your giving in
 your fight...it's welcoming
 celebrating
your mind's condemn
  
 anger...evil's infested gem
 words, actions
its consistency in playing
 wanting you
self to defend
 so it can celebrate
in its win
  
 feel it beneath your skin
 evil's way of getting within
 actions in horror's den
 ‒ways of evil's perfect sin
Continue reading “‘Anger’s Infest’”

‘Ex-foliate My Soul’

You have to leave others out of ‘self’!

A sample from Book 12

 Ex‒foliate My Soul
  
 I still hear the winds blow
 I know, still, from and to
the direction it goes
 I depend, too much
on human souls
 ‒directing my emotional role
  
 these feet‒ 
so stuck in muddy ground
 I've lost the feelings
of being found
 trying to understand
hear...every sound
 I've stumbled away
from which I'm bound
  
 raise me up, oh Lord†
 unclog‒ 
these maggot-filled holes
 rub your sands deeply in‒
 pull me out
as you wash away clean
 the filth
of this infested bowl
 help me again‒ 
feel fit and lean
 where I once had strength
of a lion
 ‒the sanctuary
of a crystal clear stream
  
 enlighten my heart, sweet Jesus†
 relight this drive
I so carelessly left behind
 enrich my soul
wash away the corrode
 so me, in ease, I can stand
on my own two feet
 understand words in my heart
 having strength to sort
 ‒without falling apart
  
 yes, Lord†, raise my tempo back up
 so I can feel, once more
the unstoppable me
 ‒that pure individual feeling
of being free
 without the need
of another's glee
  
 I open me up‒ 
mind, body, soul
 I'm, again, letting go
 so...whichever the winds blow
 matter is not needed
 for I'll be free again‒
 in the total of
letting go
Continue reading “‘Ex-foliate My Soul’”

‘Source’

Anxiety created from the fight against codependency!

A sample from Book 11

  Source
  
 she waits‒ 
closes her eyes
 breathes deep
 ‒her face tingles
her heart races
 her palms sweat‒
 a heat under her skin
rises...coming quick
  
 shh...she repeats to herself
  
 each sound
each speck of light

 builds the burning

she fights
  
 shh...again and again
  
 don't do it...not again
 she begs repeatedly
  
 settle down, please
  
 begging, begging

   the exploding need 
 
 building, building
  
 forcing her mouth closed
 forcing her body steal
 ‒as tears stream down her face
  
 begging, begging
  
 can't you see...anyone
 can't you see
I'm trying, trying...
 my grip is slipping...
  
 as she loses control‒
 her mouth yells
or her tears fall
 ‒no matter who's around
 down, down, down
she falls
  
 back to a child‒ 
innocent, broken
 just for a while
  
 'til she regains
strengthens
 to go
one more round
in life's paradigm
 where between herself
and herself
she fights
  
 hoping, hoping
  
 the next time‒ 
she'll steady the line
 ‒that too often...
 breaks her holding-together vine
  
Continue reading “‘Source’”

‘Disillusionment’

When politics blinds your truth!

A sample from Book 11

 Disillusionment  

 she stood there shaking
 what have I done‒
 causing this imagined awakening
 ‒have I forsaken
 forgive me, Lord†
ease this hating
  
 in her silence
her heart opened
 ‒a simple token
 what truly lived
in this here maiden
  
 she watched them all
 as the stones began to fall
 ‒to her knees
no longer...she felt tall
 over and over
coming at her skin‒
 little hard balls
  
 then a sudden stall
stopped...silence
 a mere moment
she recalled
  
 the dust settled
 her tightly closed eyes opened
 upon her dress‒
 tiny red splattered drops dribbled
 her pain...tiny tickles
 what...a blink before‒ 
it seemed a fable
  
 her fear lifted‒  
was this a gift
 her sins shifting
to ultimate's forgiveness
 ‒this she did not know
 but the sudden stop
 ‒she felt her heart unfold
  
 cast your stone‒ 
if clean...your bones
  
 she heard the voice
then the made choice
 as all around
stone after stone
 hit...not her
but the ground
  
 silence remained
she still knelt‒
 in blood stains
 as shifting of feet
the sudden in retreat
  
 silence...not daring
to lift her head
 then a shadow overcame the red
 a hand reached out
get up child
 a mere whisper without shout
  
 strength from Him† came
 as her legs rose
 ‒her eyes did the same
  
 His† light dried her tears
 all became so clear‒ 
her heart felt clean
 in His† eyes...she seen‒ 
truth's unending scene
 her life redeemed
it wasn't a dream
 ‒pure and serene
forever...trust in Him†
 she proclaimed
 for the Lord†...by her side
remained
Continue reading “‘Disillusionment’”

‘Knowing is Living’

Don’t be afraid to follow your heart!

A sample from Book 7

 Knowing is Living
  
 if you're stuck
at a place
 know
there's reason
for your stay
  
 the longer you wait
 ‒longer you'll suffocate
 look deep in your face
beyond flesh and bone‒
 beyond memories you chase
 beyond hurt
you want to erase
 beyond a past
that did not last
  
 deeper you must go
 for life
again
to flow
  
 it's no one's race
but your own
  
 when you're at
a constant steadfast
 there's something
way down deep
 you must surpass
something to grasp
 ‒learn
so a future
you can earn
  
 stop complaining
living in emptiness
 look at self
get off the damn shelf
 you again
build
all else
seal
  
 beyond face
look deeper
 reveal your hidden secret
bloom
 open your eyes
see
 your new life is ready
waiting‒
 ‒a steady, slow pace
for you to take
 nothing's at stake
 but self
your inside wealth
 listen...hear
for you've already earned
 what in your heart
burns
 your fruits‒ 
it's all up to you
Continue reading “‘Knowing is Living’”