‘Testing Will’

Testimony: One of God’s messengers. Saying YES to the Big Man Upstairs…no matter what! My 4-year journey for love, no matter the consequences!

 Testing Will
 
He† knows me deep within
He† knows I'd give in
then...feel the guilt of sin
 
He† held me
within this evil den
all along–
as I felt alone and abandoned
as I cried and cried
struggling, fighting
–evil's bid to win
 
four years in this brethren
a feel of insanity's hymn
negative thoughts...pounding
smothered in foreign emotions
evil aware of the reason
–knowing
the purpose of my season
 
sometimes
losing it without praying
lost in extreme's commotion
at me...came every explanation
learning my self
in its manipulation
 
evil tried to win
it tried everything
digging its teeth within
 
my angels were fighting
holding me in their wings
'til I was in delivering
–my will weakening...strengthening
a day-to-day variation
–wanting it all to end
 
this sixth sense
gave its warning
the stay kept on coming
along with each
secretive manifestation
in hiding
as anxiety and panic
kept attacking
 
my self-esteem
furiously stripping
burying me in ignoring
playing in my sexuality–
what was left
of its intention
through emotional baiting
fight's annihilation
this dizzying world
kept me sinking
'til my hands
living in jittering
my eyes...blurring, drying
my hair in constant falling
my weight in agonizing gaining
my chest in heavy palpitations
my body lost
in fatigue's aggravation
my mind fighting negative
horrid inventions
my mouth became
acid's salutation
from yelling, screaming
foul annotations
to a vicious appeal
in chanting
 
I held on tight
to the calling
knowing...soon...it was ending
pleading and begging
praying and sleeping
dreaming and imagining
–holding on to
the coming glorification
 
packing and moving
God's† quick verification
to do it
even through questioning, doubting
–it all wasn't fabrication
or some childish exaggeration
but a purposeful delivering intention
–a message coming through....
fighting evil's blocking mechanism
for a soul in saving
me: a favor in returning
as God's† hardened instrumentation
 
I took it in breaking
codependency's formulation
–holding on tight
to God's† coming verification
all...
leading to enlightening, awakening
a coming out
spiritual connection
 

My Continued Spiritual Journey and My Latest Revelations…Because God Said So!

(June 13-July 6, 2019)―In this article: I will recap some events that led up to today where I’m sitting; I will show and explain how numbers work when it comes to messages and I will show how signs work (I’ve included pictures to demonstrate what I’m talking about); I will talk about the veils; I will talk about receiving messages and delivering them; and I will reveal God’s Grace once again, and how He shows His gratitude when we do what He wants us to do. So, sit back, grab a cup of coffee (because this is a very long work), and get ready to be amazed! God is powerful. God is just. God is sincere. God makes a promise and shows His mercy and delivers once we complete our vows and/or the missions that He requests from us. Learning to listen is key!

Continue reading “‘Testing Will’”

‘His Pickup’

Have you answered God’s call? He’s waiting on you!

 His† Pickup
 
I talk to the air
pretending someone's there
–it's only fair
since no one sees
how I comb my hair
 
I go for days, weeks
in this brave affair
feeling angels everywhere
then I fall to despair
acknowledging
no one's really there
wondering
if anyone really cares
 
I go until I can't
my hand to face in cry–
 
this isn't fair
 
too long I've been waiting
for the care
working, doing
wanting someone truly there
but...just surrounds me
thin air
 
I get completely lost
in this temporary despair
then...comfort arrives
out of thin air
 
I was pushed back
and about to fall,
but the Lord† helped me.
the Lord† is my strength

and my song;
He has become

my salvation.
 
revealing there's someone there
someone who truly cares
waiting, fighting there
waiting to become fully
before the Lord...bare
dealing in past affairs
–having courage to dare
 
shouts of joy and victory
resound in the tents

of the righteous;
the Lord's† right hand

has done mighty things!
the Lord's† right hand

is lifted high;
the Lord's† right hand

has done mighty things!
 
victory is every where
I can feel I in the air
 
I will not die but live,
and will proclaim

what the Lord† has done.
the Lord† has chastened me severely,
but He† has not given me

over to death.
 
I know all won't be lost
in despair
I know there will be saved
so many little hairs
so I basked in this empty air
as...taking place
the attended affairs
 
open for me
the gates of righteousness;
I will enter

and give thanks to the Lord†.
this is the gate of the Lord†
through which

the righteous may enter.
I will give You† thanks

for You† answered me;
You† have become my salvation.

 
all things will be fair
as comes...the perfect affair
 
the stone the builders rejected
has become the capstone;
the Lord† has done this,
and it is marvelous in our eyes.
this is the day the Lord† has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.

 
seeing truth...so there
I anticipate
with welcoming flair
I know this heart I wear
–out of pure despair
comes a star's brilliant glare
 
o Lord†, save us;
o Lord†, grant us success.
blessed is he who comes

in the name of the Lord†.
from the house of the Lord†

we bless you.
the Lord† is God†,
and He† has made His† light

shine upon us.
with boughs in hand

join in the festal procession
up to the horns of the altar

 
in bowed head...I do declare
life is as it should be–
it's not in the tear
but in the solid of repair
that God† reveals
His† humble stare
 
You† are my God†
and I will give You† thanks;
You† are my God†

and I will exalt You†.
give thanks to the Lord†

for He† is good;
His† love endures forever.
—psalm 118

He’s Waiting On You!

(July 5, 2019)—I haven’t written in a while…been busy with the testimony of my recent events, which has proven not difficult, but more of a soul-searching deal that’s taking me nearing over a month now to work on. It’s okay. I have plenty time. There’s never a rush for things these days. In due time, they do come. But I have been working diligently and long hours. I went to bed at 5 a.m. this morning and woke up at around noon to people asking me if I felt the earthquake. No. I’ve been busy.

Continue reading “‘His Pickup’”

‘Anger’s Infest’

Anger wants you steadfast! God wants you moving forward!

 Anger's Infest
 
feel it beneath your skin
evil's way of getting within
actions in horror's den
‒ways of evil's perfect sin
 
it'll trap you in cussing
it'll condemn you in swearing
pulling at you...probing
wanting your reaction
for it's only satisfaction
 
it'll take all
of your triggering notions
you...down...dragging
as it smiles
in sadistic laughing
craving your giving in
your fight...it's welcoming
celebrating
your mind's condemn
 
anger...evil's infested gem
words, actions
its consistency in playing
wanting you
self to defend
so it can celebrate
in its win
 
feel it beneath your skin
evil's way of getting within
actions in horror's den
‒ways of evil's perfect sin
Continue reading “‘Anger’s Infest’”

‘You Bitch!’

Simple Ways for You to Defeat Negative Self Talk

A sample from Book 12

 You Bitch!
 
I've got an itch
‒pouring through my mind
a well-dug ditch
screaming words in myth
to the highest pitch
forcing me down a darkened pit
‒a text-blasting trip
becoming an accusing witch
out to smash an invisible zit
 
every word on my lips
disguised in angry fits
passing along this typed niche
thinking it's hip
making itself rich
‒taking advantage of my slip
 
you evil bitch!
I'm gonna smash you to bits
I'm so tired of your shit
in the bud...I'm gonna nip
not for a moment anymore
forever...your throat
I'm gonna slit

over the top
I'm gonna flip
dunk you
down below...permanently dip
 
no more...you get wit
over the head‒
you...I'm gonna hit
no more playful glitches
in God†...get a good whiff
of wine I'm gonna sip
sit back‒
finally be done
with your controlling, irrational blip
up goes my middle finger‒
see the tip
up yours!
you piece of shit!

(October 16, 2018)—Are you mad at me for cussing? Get over yourself. This is a commentary that screams—It’s time for some cussing!

I’m going to give you some good information here if you suffer from depression, anger, negative self-talk to help you start turning things around in your life. Don’t worry. I’m taking this same journey, so let’s ride!

I’m doing two workshops at one time. The one on anger which I wrote a few posts about this past week and a happiness workshop. I’m also reading a second workbook titled Pathways to Recovery, A Strengths Recovery Self-Help Workbook by Priscilla Ridgway, Diane McDiarmid, Lori Davidson, Julie Bayes, and Sarah Ratzlaff.

Continue reading “‘You Bitch!’”

‘Humble of Mercy’

You Want It to Be! So Bad….

A sample from Book 12

 Humble of Mercy
 
she shivered in the sun light
thinking of words in the night
take care of yourself
make this all count
it's not as bad as it seems

 
–wondering...
if this is really all right
 
she covers her eyes from the bright
words...thoughts in her head
filling her morning's sight
you've heard this before
words of deception
he doesn't want you no more
don't let 'fool' be your salvation

 
‒wondering...
why the needless blight
 
then the bible's insight
saying it's going to be all right
 
the unease feels her insides
but her heart digs in tight
it was always him‒
since all the darkened twilight
why so hard to get it right
why so much fight
 
she washed her face
forced a smile to the light
dawned her makeup
ignored age's height
the saddened night
throwing sorrow to the wind‒
the need to cry...howl
all night
 
her heart sits right
she adhered to the boundaries‒
set outright
time needed with the light
she can't fight
without insight
cleansing her insides, beautying her outsides
letting the magic pour from God†
as age moves on
lessening her life
–each piece
becomes more precious, more fragile
 
learning not anymore
to gamble
what's wrong, what's right
just listening to the light
without a fight

(September 26, 2018)—

Praise for Joy and Security of the RighteousKeep me safe, O God, for in You I take refuge. I said to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.’ As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom in all my delight. The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods. I will not pour out their libations of blood or take up their names on my lips. Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will You let Your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.―Psalm 16

Continue reading “‘Humble of Mercy’”

‘Knife’

Surviving the Knife of Those Who Betray You!

A sample from Book 12

(April 21, 2018)—That knife becomes weaker when we gain the support of others, when we start to see the true meaning behind our life. That knife doesn’t come out that easy especially when you see everyone’s true disclosure.

There’s so much to say, then there’s nothing to say. I have this much on my mind: If they don’t want to see you, it doesn’t matter what you say or do, they won’t see you.

I’ve said a lot here on Facebook. I revealed a lot…but there’s a lot I haven’t revealed. So you only get a piece of the puzzle…never the whole picture. Why? Because I do have a life and part of that life is private as for everyone else. There’s a lot of pain I cover up…and, yes, there is still pain. There will always be pain because an entire portion of my life has been wiped out…and not by choice.

I tried calling my daughter. It appears that she’s changed her number. I think that odd because the words I last typed her in text were answers to words she said to me, but I’m held totally accountable. Why? Oh, because I’m 49 years old and should know better. I’m the mom…but that doesn’t come into affect when I’m called by my name instead of Mom. Just saying….

 Knife
 
it was put in there‒
nice and tight
when I move around
to the left, to the right
it reveals its price
‒how it changed my life
the strength it took‒
robbing my mind
the way it makes me wanna fight
even if it isn't right
even if I said...say...things impolite
I was...am...gonna fight
‒even while speaking of the light
 
at times, I feel like a poltergeist
a faded memory...sliced and diced
forgotten the way I was
forever entombed in what I've become
not a homicide
‒a genocide of all that was nice
womanly, motherly...dignified
downgraded to a parasite
‒not fit for normal's life
 
should I be lost in contrite
bowed down in pity...outright
or was I absolutely right
turning childlike
begging for help‒
from Jesus Christ†
 
who has the right to decide‒
I'm the sacrifice
in order for them‒
to have their paradise
 
who had the right‒
shift truth to lies
bury this knife
in what used to be‒
a mother, sister, daughter, wife
 
in me...it so mystifies
how everyone becomes tongue-tied
when abuse is in transcribe
‒the victim screams in alive
how extreme...me...it mortifies
that, no matter which way‒
death...comes in die
twist, twist, twist the knife
gone daughter, sister, mother, wife
 
rebuilding exemplified
the alibis become jives
words in wisdom...just implied
while words...wombs...rob the mind
memories of building the first life‒
took one times forty-five
 
pull, pull, pull out the knife
time in modify
is there another forty-five
my, my, my how it mystifies
what comes of‒
pulling out the knife
Continue reading “‘Knife’”

‘Live’

Don’t put it off until tomorrow!

A sample from Book 11

 Live
 
today means nothing in tomorrow
today means nothing in yesterday
today is today
 
yesterday was once today
tomorrow will be today
one known, one unknown
yet, today is
 
what happened yesterday
won't happen again
what will happen tomorrow
just a guess, my friend
 
today, oh! today
each second, each minute
each hour...is ours to devour
 
don't think of what was
nor what will follow
 
today...over...tower
be its blooming flower
without counting
seconds, minutes, hours
 
for death still comes
for all...not some
never knowing the exact hour
no more, blooms the flower
 
today, shines the light
no need to fight
it's up...so bright
use it in delight
without thinking twice
 
for yesterday is gone
tomorrow...an unsung song
today, oh! today‒
today is
so...go on...live
 
Continue reading “‘Live’”

‘Truth’

Racism, hate: Evil’s best friends. Don’t let it consume you!

A sample from Book 11

 Truth
 
liars seek truth‒
falsifying a life
without any light
 
manipulation...their due
cutting it on cue
‒without noticing
the coming dues
 
their belief‒
trying to convince you
all they do
true, true, true
backing them‒
there are few
 
their spots change
sending you to the loo
oh! what to do?
‒without cursing them, too
 
truth is truth
existing
no half truths
‒it's either all true
or just makings
of a waterloo
Continue reading “‘Truth’”

‘Pillars of Death’

Depression: The Feeling of Your Own Death!

A sample from Book 7

 Pillars of Death
 
I'm an apparent suicide
who took
everything buried inside
‒sprayed it out
like pesticide
 
they call it a homicide
raging words
was all it took
for love to dry
‒leaving only tears
to cry
 
slowly I died
asking every kind of why
 
why only anger's words
was enough
to cast me aside
 
why my truth
was reason
my life
‒its very existence
to hide
 
my being
no longer resides
in hearts
I believed
could override
evil's prancing stride
 
they all cast me aside
for thoughts...words
I could no longer
hold inside
 
instead of holding me
as these eyes cried
they buried me
‒an unmarked grave
deep outside
with bugs and flies
Continue reading “‘Pillars of Death’”

‘Keynotes of Woman’

Men: Satisfy Your Woman!

A sample from Book 8

 Keynotes of Woman
 
woman remains undefined
her complete design
‒never a crossing line
she's God's† greatest mystery
she'll never give
totally clarity
‒it's the journey of he
enjoy this road of discovery
 
here's one simple note
you should know
‒keeps her from go
pay attention
this one simple lesson
keeps you
out of option
 
a woman
puts a man
in complete
only

when she's wrapped up
tight and neat

 
a little explaining‒
those stuck
in lame
 
‒heads up
no time for sleeping
or you'll miss
keys to keeping
 
woman summits
‒man
everything he'll get
only when
he knows
the right tricks
 
he can leave
abandon, lie, cheat
blame her
attempt
‒destroy her complete
but there's something
he...just doesn't get
 
in every case‒
the same, the same
he's the true blame
‒her wanting didn't remain
 
he's the guide
making her open wide
or inside
tightly hide
 
she must see
all that's in him‒
she must feel
continually free
‒totally complete
 
when she feels
his every treat
when she sees
his deal
‒his desires, strength...real
trust builds‒
moving her to free will
her heart‒
he steals
 
her inner self
the most important reality
gaining for he
simple stability
 
when he
brings her to melt‒
that place
she loses herself
all her desires
she's ready to face
‒her inner fire
opens
begins floating
losing herself
in feelings of ease
 
when she's brought
to that place
over and over
‒without any need
of race
trying...faking
not one single trace
 
when her body's needs
left
in complete's please
the rest of her‒
follows
in receive
 
all makes her whole
complete's package
without findings
of shortage
‒free
no feelings
lost in bondage
 
then...only then
she moves him
to complete
freely‒
wanting to please
his every, single need
 
no need to plead
for actions of he
moved her to total's free
‒everything in she
gives‒
leaving him
in the gift of pleased
 
when he
slips into sleep
fulfilling her needs‒
some sort of disease
away‒
run...retreat
she knows
as kisses flow
her body grows cold
react fades
lonely consumes
her days
‒her inside make
turns to fake
 
woman holds no control
‒how her body rolls
 
she desires feelings in gold
(passion's bold)
 
she loses to cold
only‒
when he folds
forcing feelings‒
move on down the road
her shutting down
felt
all around
‒her heart
moves in stealth
to some place else
 
warnings to heed
to that of he:
 
keep her in free
her sexuality‒
something to see
nothing‒
she'll hide
in he‒
open and wide
she'll fly
bringing he
to high
Continue reading “‘Keynotes of Woman’”